Jokes

[Dodger]

There was a family that had a parrot that was always embarrassing them by swearing.

So one day the son took the parrot and stuck him in the freezer.

Two hours later the squawking stopped.

The son checked the freezer and the parrot said, “Okay I’ll stop swearing, but I have one question”.

The boy said, “What”?

The Parrot asks, “What did the turkey do”???

 

[Dodger]

Little Jimmy’s school class went on a field trip to the fire station.

The fireman giving the presentation held up a smoke detector and asked the class:

“Does anyone know what this is?”

Little Jimmy’s hand shot up and the firefighter called on him.

Little Jimmy replied: “We have one at home, mummy uses it to let us know dinner is ready!”

 

[Dodger]

When do ghosts usually appear?

Just before someone screams.

 

[mark m]

Police

View attachment 464

 

[mark m]

My sex change operation went really well yesterday .It was so sucessfull, i`m still trying to reverse out of the hospital car park ....

 

[garyboy]

My sex change operation went really well yesterday .It was so sucessfull, i`m still trying to reverse out of the hospital car park ....

lov it

 

[mark m]

After seeing how poor the Chinese are in the running events at London 2012, i'm gonna try my luck and not pay for my take-away tonight!!!!

 

[mr shine]

nice one lol

 

[Dodger]

My sex change operation went really well yesterday .It was so sucessfull, i`m still trying to reverse out of the hospital car park ....

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

 

[mark m]

just been watching the ladies beach volley ball and there has already been a bad wrist injury, i should be ok in the morning

 

[vertnet]

lol great jokes everyone! keep it coming I like the freshness of these also good taste.

 

[mark m]

Of course team GB ladies won rowing ....its the same basic movement as ironing

 

[vertnet]

lol well said!

 

[mark m]

this will make you laugh

 

[windybenn]

lol

 

[harunh]

/emoticons/mellow.png lol

 

[mark m]

There were two blondes, and they had just came from a store.

 


The blonde that owned the mustang had locked her keys in the car. She was trying to pick the lock when she stoped to rest for a second.

When she sat down, her friend said, "Hurry up, it's starting to rain and the top's down!"

 

[Dodger]

There were two blondes, and they had just came from a store.

 


The blonde that owned the mustang had locked her keys in the car. She was trying to pick the lock when she stoped to rest for a second.

When she sat down, her friend said, "Hurry up, it's starting to rain and the top's down!"

lol classic, love those blonde ones but dont tell the missus.

 

[mark m]

A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years.

He breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the bloke out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the woman to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain...do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both.

Be strong, honey. I love you!"

His wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's ***, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too.

 

[mark m]

A brunette says to a blonde "Look! A dead bird!" and the blonde looks up and says "Where?"

Innkeeper: The room is £15. a night. It's £5. if you make your own bed.

Guest: I'll make my own bed.

Innkeeper: Good. I'll get you some nails and wood.

 

[mark m]

Sometimes when **** happens, you want to be able to articulate the experience more than just you've, taken a ****. Here are some **** definitions to help you explain the situation better to your friends and family...

Ghost ****

You know you've ****. There's **** on the toilet paper, but no **** in the bowl.

Teflon Coated ****

Comes out so slick, clean and easy that you don't feel it. No traces of **** on the toilet paper, you have to look in the bowl to be sure you did it!

Gooey ****

This has the consistency of hot tar. You wipe your ass 12 times and it still doesn't come clean. You end up putting toilet paper in your underwear so you don't stain it. This **** leaves permanent skid marks in the toilet.

Second Thought ****

You're all done wiping your ass and you're about to stand up when you realize it.....you've got some more.

Pop a Vein in Your Forehead ****

This kind is the kind of **** that killed Elvis. It doesn't come until you're all sweaty, trembling and purple from straining so hard.

Bali Belly ****

You **** so much you lose 5 kilos.

Right Now ****

You better be within 10 seconds of a toilet. Usually it has its head out before you get your pants down.

King Kong or Commode Choker ****

This **** is so big that you know it won't go down the toilet unless you break it into smaller chunks. A coat hanger works well. This kind of **** usually happens at someone else's house.

Wet Cheeks ****

This **** hits the water sideways and makes a BIG splash that gets your ass wet.

Wish ****

You sit there all cramped up and fart a few times, but no ****!

Cement Block or Oh God ****

You wish you'd gotten a spinal block before you ****.

Snake ****

This **** is fairly soft and about as big around as your thumb and at least three feet long.

Cork **** (Also Known as Floater ****)

Even after the third flush, it's still floating in there. My god! How do I get rid of it? This **** usually happens at someone else's house.

Mexican Food **** (also called Screamers)

You'll know it's alright to eat again when your ******* stops burning.

Beer Drunk ****

This happens the day after the night before. Normally your **** doesn't smell too bad, but this **** is BAD. Usually there's somebody standing outside to use the bathroom. This kind of **** also usually happens at someone else's house.

The Frightened Turtle

The kind of **** that just pokes its head out then quickly goes back in

The Bungee ****

The kind of **** that just hangs off your ass before it falls into the water.

The Ring of Fire ****

The kind of **** where you eat really spicy food and your ******* feels like the inside of a cigarette lighter.

The Crippler

The kind of **** where you have to sit on the toilet so long your legs go numb from the waist down.

The Big Bobber

The kind of **** that no matter how many times you flush it always floats back to the surface.

The Shitty Shitty Bang Bang

The kind of **** that hits you when you're trapped in your car in a traffic jam.

The Incredible Hulk ****

The king of **** that sits in the toilet overnight and mysteriously expands to twice it's normal size.

The Jack the Ripper ****

The kind of **** that yanks out the hair of your ass as it pushes its way out.

The Party Pooper

The giant **** you take at a party. And when you flush the toilet, you watch in horror as the water starts to rise.

The Toxic Gas ****

The kind of **** that makes you pass out and fall of the toilet before you finish, and then you wake up in some strange South American town.

Dirty Bowl ****

The kind of **** that comes out in a million pieces a second, reminiscent of an avalanche - but with rocket propulsion, and splatters all over the toilet bowl.

The Windy City ****

When you sit down, and fart for so long and hard that you no longer need to take a ****.

Oh ****! ****

You **** so much and wipe your ass so furiously you run out of toilet paper and you say OH ****!

The Never Ending ****

It's the **** that keeps running out of your ass like pea, and just when you start wiping your ass your stomach gargles and splash, more **** runs out. This always happens after eating at Kentucky Fried Chicken.

Ouch That Hurt ****

The type of **** that leaves you feeling like you just hoped onto a bicycle without a seat. Sensation usually lasts hours.