Just for a Larf...

[Green Pro Clean Ltd]

Some years ago whilst living in Arizona I was pulled up by highway patrol and charged with DUI (Driving under the influence)

Next day in court the Judge asks 'What were you doing? Drinking 14 beers and trying to drive home?'

I told the judge 'Had to drive, I was in no condition to walk anywhere!'

 

[adamangler]

Well i was astonished to learn that the meat in Subway was slaughtered in a traditional Muslim way.

How do they fit a rucksack on a cow?

 

[cheapncheerful]

I think we turn the pc button off for this post...:rofl:

 

[Bingo]

hey bingo leave out your anti irish okes , theres a lot of different nationalities come on here and i dont see you targetting them , maybe it was fashionable back in the seventies but things have moved on since then

Hey Guys......This is NOT a joke, but a serious request......

Who-ever stole Mr Shine's sense of humour, please give it back.

 

[Dave B]

I have a bit of irish blood and i find these jokes hilarious

I obviously would be tarred and feathered if i went to ireland for laughing at them

 

[mr shine]

well .... i never had one of them before , ring any bells green lol only a week or so ago you threw your toys out of the pram when boarcity slagged of anyone south of the dover straits and slated anyone for dealing with asians ,so with that does this mean your a hypocrite :iagree:. if there were any anti english jokes prior to your response to balance things out then i wouldnt have complained in the first place but no .anyway i have to go and round up the leprechuans for their dinner and drop the kids of at the parish priests house as hes gonna do a bit of babysittin for us ,they should be safe enough . one final thing apologies for not been able to link the above as im just a stupid thick paddy /emoticons/smile.png), without a sence of humour

 

[mr shine]

sorry green i forgot to say ... quote .... well up yours to green lol :finger: lmao

 

[keefo]

Loved this thread

 

[Bingo]

I once went out with a girl who had eczema

She had cracking tits !!

 

[Bingo]

There was pandmonium last night at the annual paranoid schizophrenics pantomine when one of the audience shouted.........

"HE'S BEHIND YOU!!"

 

[Bingo]

The nun teaching Sunday school was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question, 'When you die and go to Heaven, which part of your body goes first?'

Suzy raised her hand and said, 'I think it's your hands.'

'Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?'

Suzy replied: 'Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first.'

'What a wonderful answer!', the nun said.

Little Johnny raised his hand and said, 'Sister, I think it's your feet.'

The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face.

'Now, Johnny, why do you think it would be your feet?'

Johnny said: 'Well, I walked past Mom and Dad's bedroom the other night.

Mom had her legs up in the air and she was saying:

'Oh God! I'm coming!'

If Dad hadn't pinned her down, I reckon we'd have lost her.".....

The nun had to leave the room.

 

[Bingo]

A few years ago......

I was kicked out of school after being caught kissing one of the girls from my class behind the bike sheds.

When I was leaving, the headmaster said.........

'It was a great pity, because I was an exellent maths teacher'.

 

[Bingo]

Annoyed by the Professor of Anatomy, who liked to tell "naughty" stories during class, a group of female students decided that the next time he started to tell one, they would all rise and leave the room in protest.

The Professor, however, got wind of their scheme just before class the following day, so he bided his time.

Then.....halfway through the lecture, he began.........."They say there is quite a shortage of prostitutes in France."

The girls looked at one another, arose and started for the door.

"Ladies, Ladies" said the professor with a broad smile, "The next plane for France doesn't leave till tomorrow afternoon."

 

[Green Pro Clean Ltd]

sorry green i forgot to say ... quote .... well up yours to green lol :finger: lmao

Wow Mr Shine, that must be the legendary Irish wit, or at least half of it!

Did you think that up all by yourself?

 

[mr shine]

a bitter childish response , i expected more , not to worry green enjoy the rest of your weekend

 

[Bingo]

Please Guys.....this is a 'JOKE' thread.....don't ruin it with 'tit-for-tat' comments which can go on'n'on, you have PM facility to that stuff :thumbsup:.

 

[Bingo]

Nurses aren't supposed to laugh...

"Of course I won't laugh" said the nurse..... "I'm a professional, in over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."

"Okay then," said Bill, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the smallest penis the nurse had ever seen.

In length and width was almost identical to a AAA battery.

Unable to control herself, the nurse tried to stop a giggle, but it just came out, and then she started laughing at the fact that she was laughing.

Feeling very badly that she had laughed at the man's penis, she composed herself as well as she could.

" I am so sorry," she said.. " I don't know what came over me. On my honour as a nurse and a lady, I promise that won't happen again."

Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?"

" It's swollen," said Bill.

 

[Bingo]

A Kiwi and an Australian go to a pastry shop.

The Kiwi whisks three cookies into his pocket with lightning speed. The baker doesn't notice.

The Kiwi says to the Australian:

You see how clever we are?

You'll never beat that!

The Australian says to the Kiwi:

Watch this, an Australian is always cleverer than a Kiwi.

He says to the baker, give me a cookie, I can show you a magic trick!

The baker gives him the cookie which the Australian promptly eats. Then he says to the baker:

Give me another cookie for my magic trick.

The baker is getting suspicious but he gives it to him.

He eats this one too.

Then he says again:

Give me one more cookie...

The baker is getting angry now but gives him one anyway.

The Australian eats this one too.

Now the baker is really mad, and he yells:

And where is your famous magic trick?

The Australian says:......

Look in the Kiwi's pocket!

 

[Bingo]

Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's, when they struck

up a conversation. The Black Labrador turned to the yellow Labrador and

said "So, why are you here?"

The yellow Lab replied, "I'm a slasher, I pee on everything....the

sofa, the curtains, the cat and the kids. But the final straw was last night,

when I pee'd in the middle of my owner's bed."

The black Lab said, "So what’s the vet going to do?"

"Gonna cut my nuts off" came the reply from the yellow Lab.

"They reckon it'll calm me down."

The Yellow Lab then turned to the Black Lab and asked "So, why are you here?"

The Black Lab said, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and

trees. I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the

carpets, but I went over the line last night, when I dug a great big hole in my

owners' couch."

"So what are they going to do to you ?" the Yellow Lab enquired.

"Looks like I'm losing my nuts too," the dejected Black Lab said.

The Black Lab then turned to the Great Dane and asked, "Why are you here?"

"I'm a humper," said the Great Dane. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the

cat, a pillow, the table, fence posts; I want to hump everything I see."

Yesterday my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to

dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and

started hammering away."

The Black and the Yellow Labs exchanged a sad glance and said,

"So, it's nuts off for you too, huh?"

The Great Dane said, " NO!.......Apparently I'm here to get my nails clipped!"

 

[Bingo]

I took the Mrs to a disco on Saturday night.

There was a guy on the dance floor giving it large - breakdancing, moonwalking, back flips, the works.

The Mrs turned to me and said: "See that guy dancing.....25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down''.

I said........"Looks like he's still celebrating''!!

 

[Bingo]

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces.

The coroner calls in the police to tell them what has happened.

‘First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while drinking vintage champagne and eating foie gras. Hence the enormous smile' says the coroner.

‘Second body: Scotsman, 25, won £1,000 on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile’ says the coroner.

The inspector asks, ‘What of the third body?’...... ‘Ah,’ says the coroner. ‘This is the most unusual one: Big Seamus Quinn from Donegal, 30, struck by lightning.’

‘Why is he smiling then?’ enquires the inspector......... ‘He thought he was having his photo taken’ says the coroner.