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Just for a Larf...

I was on holiday Australia with the Mrs recently, when she was stung on the minge by a hornet, so I phoned the Fosters lager helpline:

"Please help me"

"Hey, what's up man?"

"My girlfriend has been stung on her vagina and its completely closed up"

"Bummer dude"

"Hadn't thought of that.....Thanks mate, bye"

 
A guy walks into an Irish pub and announces to the barman, "Hey pal, I have some really good Irish jokes to tell you!"

The barman leans over to him and says, "Listen, If I was you I would watch what you say. Both the bouncers are Irish, I'm Irish, in fact everyone in this place is Irish!"

"Oh, that's Okay," replied the guy, "I will talk v-e-r-y s-l-o-w-l-y!"

 
This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.

Every morning she would plead with him to stop ‘ripping them off’, because it was making her sick.

He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.

The years went by and he continued to rip them out. Then one Christmas day morning, as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs still sound asleep, she looked at the innards, neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts, and a malicious thought came to her.

She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling the bed covers back, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.

Sometime later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bath room.

The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture, she reckoned she had ‘got him back’ pretty good.

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face.

She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, 'honey you were right. All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you'.

'What do you mean?' asked his wife, struggling to contain her laughter.

'Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened....but by the grace of god, with some Vaseline and two fingers, I think I got most of them back in!’

 
Two Irish farmers bought a truckload of watermelons, paying one dollar for each watermelon. They then drove to the market and sold all of their watermelons for the same price that they bought them for. After counting their money at the end of the day they realised that they ended up with the same money that they started with.

"See," said Paddy "I told you we should have got a bigger truck!"

 
After hearing that one of his staff in a mental hospital had saved a patient from a suicide attempt by pulling him out of a bathtub, the director reviewed staff nurse Murphy's' file and called him into the office.

"Mr Murphy, your records show your heroic behaviour and I will recommend you for a promotion" he said "I'm only sorry that the man you saved later killed himself with a rope around the neck."

"Oh, he didn't kill himself," Said Murphy, "I hung him up to dry!"

 
A couple were lying in bed together on the morning of their tenth wedding anniversary when the wife says, 'Darling, as this is such a special occasion, I think that it is time I made a confession....Before we were married I was a hooker for eight years.'

The husband ponders for a moment and then looks into his wife's eyes and says, 'My love, you have been a perfect wife for ten years! I cannot hold your past against you, maybe you could show me a few tricks of the trade and spice up our sex life a bit?'

She said, 'I don't think you understand,... my name was David and I played rugby for Wales'.

 
Two Irishmen are looking through a mail-order catalogue.

Paddy says, “Look at these gorgeous women! The prices are reasonable too.”

Mick agrees, “I’m ordering one right now.”

Three weeks later, Paddy says to Mick, “Has your woman turned up yet?”

“No,” says Mick, “but it shouldn’t be long now.

Her clothes arrived yesterday.”

 
Teacher: If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2cats, how many will you have?

Little Johnny: Seven, Sir.

Teacher: No, listen carefully... If I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?

Little Johnny: Seven, Sir.

Teacher: Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you 2 apples, and another 2 apples and another 2, how many would you have?

Johnny: Six, Sir.

Teacher: Good. Now if I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?

Johnny: Seven!!! SIR!

A very angry Teacher: Where in the hell do you get seven from?

Little Johnny: Because.......I've already got a cat!!

 
A little guy gets on a plane and sits next to the window.

A few minutes later, a big, heavy, mean-looking guy plops down in the seat next to him and immediately falls asleep.

The little guy starts to feel a little airsick, but he's afraid to wake the big guy up to ask if he can go to the bathroom. He knows he can't climb over him, and so the little guy sits there, looking at the big guy, trying to decide what to do.

Suddenly, the plane hits an air pocket and an uncontrollable wave of nausea passes over the little guy. He can't hold it in any longer and he pukes all over the big guy's chest. About five minutes later the big guy wakes up, looks down, and sees the vomit all over him.

"So," says the little guy: "are you feeling better now?"

 
The teacher asked Little Johnny, "Why is your cat at school today Johnny?"

Little Johnny replied crying, "Because I heard my Daddy tell my Mommy, 'I am going to eat that pussy once Johnny leaves for school today!'"

 
Paddy sends a text his wife...

“Mary, I’m just having one more pint with the lads.

If I’m not back in 20 minutes, read this message again.”

 
Three guys die together in an accident and go to heaven.

When they get there, St. Peter says,

"We only have one rule here in heaven: Don't step on the ducks!"

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first guy accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest woman he has ever seen. St. Peter chains them together and says,

"Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to the ugly woman!"

The next day, the second guy steps accidentally on a duck, and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, and with him is another extemely ugly woman. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first guy.

The third guy has observed all this and not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly woman, is very, VERY careful where he steps.

He manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to him with the most gorgeous woman he has ever laid eyes on: a very tall, tan, curvaceous, sexy blonde. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The guy remarks,

"I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"

She says, "I don't know about you,

but I stepped on a duck!"

 
A man got a text from his neighbour;

I am sorry Bob. I’ve been riddled with guilt and have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you are not around. In fact more than you. I am not getting any at home, but thats no excuse.

I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it wont happen again.

The man in anguish went straight to his bedroom, grabbed his gun and without a word shot his wife and killed her.

A couple of seconds later another text arrived

Bloody auto correct , I meant ‘wifi’, not ‘wife!’

 
I was in the pub the other night and overheard three very hefty women

talking at the bar.

Their accent appeared to be Scottish, so I approached and said,

"Hello, are you three lassies from Scotland?"

One of them angrily screeched, "It's Wales....WALES you bloody idiot!"

So I apologized and replied...... "I'm so sorry...are you three whales from Scotland ?"

And that's the last thing I remember.

 
Teacher: “If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?”

Johnny: “Seven.”

Teacher: “No, listen carefully… If I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?”

Johnny: “Seven.”

Teacher: “Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you 2 apples, and another 2 apples and another 2, how many would you have?”

Johnny: “Six.”

Teacher: “Good. Now if I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?”

Johnny: “Seven!”

Teacher: “Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!”

Johnny: Because I’ve already got a cat!”

 
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