Just for a Larf...

[SPCleaning]

A BOTTLE OF MERLOT

A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cosy little restaurant.

So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, 'This is from the gentleman who is seated over there'....

and indicated the sender with a nod of his head.

She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note.

The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.

The note read: 'For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and seven inches in your pants......

After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady.

It read: 'Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be: "I have a Ferrari Marinelli, a BMW Z8, a Mercedes CL600 and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages;

I have beautiful ski chalet in Aspen , a beach house in Miami , and a 10,000 acre ranch in Texas.

There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account and investment portfolio.

However, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut off two inches off my ****.

So just send the wine back.

 

[steve garwood]

As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.

She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't.

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to ...unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time, she attempted the step.

Once again, much to her annoyance, she could not raise her leg.

With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"

The Texan smiled and drawled, " Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we were friends."

My nan and grandad worked at the cinema and their actual names were pearl and dean. Or as I called them, grandma and grandpa pa pa pa pa pup pa pa

 

[steve garwood]

A man went into an Exeter supermarket and tried to buy half a cauliflower. The young greens produce assistant told him that they sold only whole cauliflowers.

The man persisted, and asked to see the manager, and the boy went to find him.

Walking into the stock room, the boy said to his manager,

"Some idiot out there wants to buy half a cauliflower."

As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the customer standing right behind him, so he added,

"And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half."

The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.

Later the manager said to the boy,

"I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people here who think on their feet. Where are you from, son?"

Plymouth, sir," the boy replied.

"Why did you leave Plymouth ?" the manager asked.

The boy said,

"Sir, there's nothing there but prostitutes and rugby players."

"Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Plymouth ."

"You're kidding?" replied the boy.

"What position did she play?”

Gutted to report that today my pet hamster Elvis died. He got caught in a trap

 

[Danfire]

During the war my grandad was exposed to mustard gas and pepper spray....he was a seasoned veteran.

 

[steve garwood]

My wife keeps nagging me to stop acting like a flamingo so I've had to put my foot down

 

[Green Pro Clean Ltd]

Two homosexual Irishmen: Henry Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzhenry.

 

[Danfire]

I'm glad there's no jokes about German sausages on here....they're the wurst.

 

[Dave B]

My wife is half Italian

She shaves under 1 armpit

 

[Bingo]

Two homosexual Scotsmen.....Ben Doon and Phill McCrevis .

 

[Diwrnach]

Wife treats hubby by taking him to a Strip Club for his birthday..!!

At The Club, The Doorman Says, "Hi Jim, How are You?"

The wife asks, "How does he know you?

Jim says, "Oh dear, I play football with him."

Inside the Bartender Says, "The Usual, Jim?"

Jim says to Wife, "Before you say anything, He's on the Darts Team."

Next a stripper Says, "Hi Jim! Do You Crave the Special Again??"

The Wife storms out dragging Jim with her & jumps into a taxi.

The Taxi driver Says, "Hey Jimmy Boy! You picked up an ugly one this time.."

Jim's Funeral is on Monday!!

 

[Diwrnach]

An old blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake...

He finds his way to the bar and orders a shot of whiskey.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, do you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, cowboy, I think it's only fair that you should know five things since you're blind."

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl with a Billy-Club

3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman to your right is a blonde professional wrestler.

5. The person to my right is a blonde weight lifter.

"Now think seriously, cowboy... Do you still want to tell that blonde joke?"

The cowboy sits and thinks for a second, then shakes his head.

"No, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times..."

 

[Diwrnach]

PARKING TICKET: My wife and I went into town and visited a shop. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and I said, "...Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?" He just ignored us and continued writing the ticket.

I called him an "a**hole." He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn-out tires.

So my wife called him a "s*ithead." He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing more tickets.

This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote. He finally finished, sneered at us and walked away. Just then our bus arrived, and we got on it and went home.

We always look for cars with religious bumper stickers. We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's so important at our age!!

 

[Bingo]

Mick and Paddy were out in their boat going scuba diving.

Paddy says..... "now tell me Mick.....why do divers always fall backwards into the water?"

Mick replies.... "because.... if they fell forwards they'd still be in the fookin boat!"

 

[Dave B]

Next week is the National Innuendo Championships

I'm gonna enter my sister

 

[Diwrnach]

If sex between three people is called a Threesome and sex between two people is called a Twosome...

Then why is Handsome still a compliment?

 

[till]

Two Irish men went to the sperm clinic in London the other day. They were not very successful.

Paddy missed the tube.

And Murphy came on the bus!

Sent from my GT-I9195 using Tapatalk

 

[Bingo]

Sad news at the Nestle Factory earlier today.

A member of staff was seriously injured when a full pallet of chocolate

fell more than 50ft, trapping the employee and crushing his legs.

He tried in-vain to attract attention from his fellow workers, but......

every-time he shouted 'THE MILKYBARS ARE ON ME'..........everyone cheered.

 

[till]

My wife says she is doing a course on being a magicians assistance.

I think she is doing well.

As the other day I came home early from work as she said 'aberacadaber!' And my mate Dave appered naked out of the wardrobe.

Poor chap must have wondered what was going on!

 

[steve garwood]

Walked into my local Chinese and said "oi you" he said "how do you know my name"

 

[steve garwood]

2 blokes go on stars in their eyes, one of them is in a wheelchair. Harry hill says welcome to the show, what is your names? The bloke standing replies"I'm Simon and this guy in the chair is my uncle, Dave" harry asked "why you in the wheelchair Dave" he says "I was in Hawaii surfing and a tiger shark attacked and bit off my legs" harry turns to Simon and says " blimey, sorry to hear that. Anyway, welcome to the show, who are you going to be tonight?" He replies "tonight harry were going to be Simon and half uncle"

 

[Bingo]

I'll never forget how happy I was when I saw my missus walking down the aisle towards me.

My heart was beating fast and the excitement was unbearable.

It seemed to take an age, but eventually, there she was, standing beside me.

I gave her a loving smile and said,

"Get that trolley over here love....they're doing 3 cases of beer for the price of 2!''