Jokes

[mark m]

What's the difference between women at ages of 8, 18 , 28, 38 and 48?

Age 8 - You take her to bed and tell her a story.

Age 18 - You tell her a story and take her to bed.

Age 28 - You don't need to tell her any story and take her to bed.

Age 38 - She tells you a story and takes you to bed.

Age 48 - You tell her a story to avoid going to bed.

 

[Bingo]

Sheila walked into the kitchen to find Bruce stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" She asked.

"Hunting Flies" He responded.

"Ohh, killed any yet?" She asked mockingly.

"Yep, 3 males, and 2 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked, "How can you tell them apart?"

He responded........"3 were on a beer can, and 2 were on the phone."

 

[mark m]

A buddy of mine just told me his getting on it with his girlfriend and her twin . i said "how do you tell them apart ?" hers brothers got a mustache

 

[Bingo]

This big mean-looking fcuker squared up to me in the pub last night and said, "I heard you're a poof ".

I replied........

"Nah, that's just a misunderstanding. I did once have sex with someone who had a moustache, but that was your Mum"'

 

[mark m]

Heard about the new Jimmy saville tracksuit ?. You get an adult size top but u have to squeeze into childrens bottoms

 

[super mck]

for our chemistry exam we had to write a thousand words on acid! unfortunately my pen turned into a gorilla and the floor melted!!!

 

[super mck]

it was hard getting over my addiction to the hokey cokey .but i,ve turned myself around & thats what its all about.

 

[Bingo]

A guy goes to the Council for a job.

The interviewer asks, "Have you any alergies"?

"Yes, caffeine" he says.

"Are you disabled in any way"?

"Yes, I was in the army and a bomb exploded near me and blew my testicles off".

Interviewer says, "OK, your hired. The hours are 8 till 3, but you can start at 10".

The guy asks, "Why 10".

The interviewer says.......

"This is a Council job.

The 1st two hours we stand around drinking coffee and scratching our ********, so no point you coming in".

 

[Bingo]

An Australian, an Irishman and a Scouser are in a bar.

They're staring at another man sitting on his own at a table in the corner.

He's so familiar, and not recognising him is driving them mad. They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs: "My God, it's Jesus!"

Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint. Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a pint of bitter.

Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the pints slowly, one after another.

After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio.

He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness. When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement: "My God! The arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone. It's a miracle!"

Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager. As he lets go, the man's eyes widen in shock. "Strewth mate, the bad back I've had all me life is completely gone! It's a miracle."

Jesus then approaches the Scouser who says,...... "Back off, mate, I'm on disability benefit!"

 

[Bingo]

Jack and his wife Diane went to the local country fair every year, and every year Jack would say,

'Diane, I'd like to ride in that helicopter.

'Diane always replied, 'I know Jack, but that helicopter ride is ninety quid , and ninety quid is ninety quid'

One year Diane and Jack went to the fair, and Jack said,

'Diane, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.'

To this, Diane replied, 'Jack that helicopter ride is ninety quid, and ninety quid is ninety quid.'

The pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride.

If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word, I won't charge you!

But if you say one word, it's ninety quid.'

Jack and Diane agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy manoeuvres,

but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.

When they landed, the pilot turned to Jack and said,

'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!'

Jack replied, 'Well to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Diane fell out,

but you know,..... ninety quid is ninety quid!'

 

[Dodger]

Heard about the new Jimmy saville tracksuit ?. You get an adult size top but u have to squeeze into childrens bottoms

Oh that was just terrible Mark, funny but terrible lol

 

[Dodger]

Jack and his wife Diane went to the local country fair every year, and every year Jack would say,

'Diane, I'd like to ride in that helicopter.

'Diane always replied, 'I know Jack, but that helicopter ride is ninety quid , and ninety quid is ninety quid'

One year Diane and Jack went to the fair, and Jack said,

'Diane, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.'

To this, Diane replied, 'Jack that helicopter ride is ninety quid, and ninety quid is ninety quid.'

The pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride.

If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word, I won't charge you!

But if you say one word, it's ninety quid.'

Jack and Diane agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy manoeuvres,

but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.

When they landed, the pilot turned to Jack and said,

'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!'

Jack replied, 'Well to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Diane fell out,

but you know,..... ninety quid is ninety quid!'

Sis in law is asleep on sofa, at least she was till I started laughing at that :lol:

 

[mark m]

condom

View attachment 693

 

[Bingo]

Murphy: "You've a nice couple of goldfish there Paddy. What are their names?"

Paddy: "I've called them, One and Two".

Murphy: "Why is that then Paddy?"

Paddy: "'Coz if One dies, I've still got Two".

 

[jimiwindows]

what do margaret thatcher and jimmy saville have in common.

they both shafted minors in the 80s

 

[Bingo]

Jimmy Savile had to stop going to church...

The priests kept fighting over who got to hear his confession.

 

[Bingo]

Victims of child abuse often show the same signs.......

Difficulty maintaining relationships

Anger issues

Suicidal thoughts

and the most obvious of all..........

A 'Jim'll Fix It badge'.

 

[Bingo]

Susan Boyle has returned her Jim'll Fix it badge out of total disgust at the way she was treated by him after appearing in his show.

He never laid a hand on her.

 

[Bingo]

I wish everyone would stop criticising Jimmy Savile.

When I was 8, he fixed it for me to milk a cow......blindfolded.

 

[Bingo]

An Australian sheep farmer is walking down the road carrying a sheep under each arm when he meets a mate of his who says......

"G'day mate, are you shearing?"

To which the sheep farmer replies.....

"Nah mate, gonna ****'em both meself!"

 

[Bingo]

My Mrs suggested that we should liven up our sex life and try using the 'other hole' tonight.

I said..........."But what if you get pregnant".