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Jokes

Embarassed, I finally went to the doctors about my premature ejaculation problem.

The Dr was very sympathetic and said,....."It must be very frustrating for your girlfriend".

I said...... "Yeah, it's getting on her t!ts".

 
There was pandmonium last night at the annual paranoid schizophrenics pantomime when one of the audience shouted.........

"HE'S BEHIND YOU!!"

 
A ventriloquist on tour with his act.

Doing his show one night with his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes, when a blonde shouts....

"I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes!

What does colour of a persons hair have to do with their worth as a human being?

It's men like like you who keep women like me from being respected!"

The red faced ventriloquist begins to appologise, but the blonde shouts again....

"You stay out of this mate!

I'm talkin to that cheeky little fcuker on your knee!"

 
A woman went to her doctor for advice.

She told him that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she was not sure that it was such a good idea.

"Do you enjoy it?" The doctor asked.

"Actually, yes, I do."

"Does it hurt you?" he asked.

"No. I rather like it."

"Well, then," the doctor continued, "there's no reason that you shouldn't practice anal sex, if that's what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant."

The woman was mystified.

"What? You can get pregnant from anal sex?"

"Of course," the doctor replied, "Where do you think politicians come from?"

 
Bloke in a Pub necking back whisky like its going out of fashion.

 


"You OK mate?" - said the barman



"I'm fine, just got a bit of a shock when I came home early from work"



"Oh really, what happend?" asks the very curious barman.



"I caught my wife getting shagged by my best friend, so I told her to pack her bags and **** off".



"What about your best friend" said the barman.


 


"I looked him straight in the eye and said....



BAD DOG....... NO BISCUITS".


 
I was in Australia with the girlfriend recently, when she was stung on the minge by a hornet.

I phoned the Fosters lager helpline: ........

"Please help me"

"Hey, what's up man?"

"My girlfriend has been stung on her minge and its completely closed up"

"Bummer dude"

"Thanks mate, bye"

 
The wife has asked for something in silk for her christmas present....no doubt this tin of emulsion will the wrong fliping colour

 
I always stop to help women who have broken down on the road. I don't know sh*t about cars, but I do know how a good porn starts off.

 
A woman walks into HMV and asks a young lad at the till.....

"Have you got Jingle Bells on a seven inch?"

He says "No, but I've got dangly balls on a twelve inch"

She exclaims "THATS NOT A RECORD!"

He says "It is.....I'm only 16".

 
A couple was Christmas shopping at the mall on Christmas Eve and the mall was packed.

As the wife walked through the mall she was surprised to look up and see her husband was nowhere around. She was quite upset because they had a lot to do.

Because she was so worried, she called him on her cell phone to ask him where he was

In a calm voice, the husband said, " you remember the jewelry store we went into about 5 years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we could not afford and I told you that I would get it for you one day?"

The wife choked up and started to cry and said, "Yes, I remember that jewellery store."

He said, I'm in the pub right next to it."

 
You know what guys, I love this time of year.

I can slam shut my laptop when the Mrs walks in the room......

and I don't get any disgusted looks /emoticons/biggrin.png.

The Mrs asked me....

'Can you pop down the shop and get me some bleach and a couple of cloths'.....

I replied...

'Can't you wait for your presents' :lol:.

'So as I was leaving to go to the shop'

She says.....'

Thanks honeybunn', love you loads' :wub:.

I says...

'Yeah, love you tons' . :wub:

She says...

'What....no nickname for me' /emoticons/sad.png.

I says.....

'I'm not saying it twice' :lol: .

Guys............I'm sure she's going deaf :lol: :lol: .

 
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ''The driver just insulted me!'' The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.''

 
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