Just for a Larf...

Discussion in 'Chit Chat & Introductions' started by SPCleaning, Jun 6, 2015.

Advertisement
  1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.
  2. Welcome to the UK Window Cleaning Forums.
    Starting or own a window cleaning business? We're a network of window cleaners sharing advice, tips & experience. Rounds for sale & more. Join us today!

  1. SPCleaning

    SPCleaning Guru
    Member

    Joined:
    Mar 30, 2013
    Messages:
    1,324
    Likes Received:
    692
    A man went into an Exeter supermarket and tried to buy half a cauliflower.
    The young greens produce assistant told him that they sold only whole cauliflowers.
    The man persisted, and asked to see the manager, and the boy went to find him.
    Walking into the stock room, the boy said to his manager,
    "Some idiot out there wants to buy half a cauliflower."
    As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the customer standing right behind him, so he added,
    "And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half."
    The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.
    Later the manager said to the boy,
    "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people here who think on their feet. Where are you from, son?"
    Plymouth, sir," the boy replied.
    "Why did you leave Plymouth ?" the manager asked.
    The boy said,
    "Sir, there's nothing there but prostitutes and rugby players."
    "Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Plymouth ."
    "You're kidding?" replied the boy.
    "What position did she play?”
     
    Advertisement
  2. SPCleaning

    SPCleaning Guru
    Member

    Joined:
    Mar 30, 2013
    Messages:
    1,324
    Likes Received:
    692
    Brian and his wife Becca lived in Florida and every year they would drive to Disney World, and every year they would walk past a helicopter ride and Brian would say,
    ‘Becca, I’d like to ride in that helicopter’
    Becca always replied,
    ‘Honey, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks’
    One year Brain and Becca went to the Disney, and Brian said,
    ‘Becca, You know I’m 83 years old. If I don’t ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance’
    To this, Becca replied,
    “Brian you know that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks’
    The pilot overheard the couple and said,
    ‘Folks I’ll make you a deal. I’ll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don’t say a word I won’t charge you a penny! But if you say one word it’s fifty dollars.’
    Brian and Becca agreed and up they went.
    The pilot did all kinds of fancy manoeuvres, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word…
    When they landed, the pilot turned to Brian and said,
    ‘Did You know, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn’t. I’m impressed!’
    Brian replied, ‘Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Becca fell out, but you know,
    Fifty bucks is fifty bucks!’
     
    • Funny Funny x 10
    • Like Like x 1
    • List
  3. SPCleaning

    SPCleaning Guru
    Member

    Joined:
    Mar 30, 2013
    Messages:
    1,324
    Likes Received:
    692
    A man purchased a new Mercedes to celebrate his wife leaving him and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. "There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.....Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.
    The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. "It's been a long hard day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday. I don't feel like more paperwork, I don't need the frustration or the overtime, so if you can give me a really good excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."
    The guy thinks about it for a second and says, "Last week my nagging wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!" "Have a nice weekend," said the officer.
     
    • Funny Funny x 6
    • Winner Winner x 6
    • List
  4. SPCleaning

    SPCleaning Guru
    Member

    Joined:
    Mar 30, 2013
    Messages:
    1,324
    Likes Received:
    692
    Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in Fort Worth, Texas. After last call the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his truck and trailer and fall into it. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally, he got into the car and started the engine, switched the wipers on and off....it was a fine, dry summer night, flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons' vehicles left. Finally, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road. The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and administered a breathalyzer test. To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said, 'I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken.' 'I seriously doubt it', said the truly proud Hillbilly. 'Tonight I'm the designated decoy'
     
    • Funny Funny x 4
    • Winner Winner x 2
    • List
  5. cheapncheerful

    Member

    Joined:
    Jan 31, 2014
    Messages:
    6,489
    Likes Received:
    2,043
    great stuff..its always good to laugh..:D
     
    • Like Like x 1
    • Agree Agree x 1
    • List
  6. Jake

    Jake Grand Master
    Member

    Joined:
    Aug 17, 2014
    Messages:
    3,438
    Likes Received:
    808
    :rofl::rofl::rofl:
     
  7. SPCleaning

    SPCleaning Guru
    Member

    Joined:
    Mar 30, 2013
    Messages:
    1,324
    Likes Received:
    692
    A 5-year old boy went to visit his grandmother one day.
    Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said,
    'Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?'
    Grandma replied, 'Honey, my TV is my boyfriend.
    I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long....
    The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh...
    I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend.'
    Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible.
    She started adjusting the *****, trying to get the picture in focus.
    Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.
    The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door and there stood Grandma's minister.
    The minister said, 'Hello son, is your Grandma home?'
    The little boy replied, 'Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend.'
     
  8. SPCleaning

    SPCleaning Guru
    Member

    Joined:
    Mar 30, 2013
    Messages:
    1,324
    Likes Received:
    692
    Husband buys his son an iPAD, daughter an iPOD, himself an iPHONE and his wife
    an iRON.
    She wasn't impressed even after he explained it can be integrated with the iWASH, iCOOK and iCLEAN network

    This triggered the iNAG service, which totally wiped out the iSHAG ...
    function!!!!
     
  9. SPCleaning

    SPCleaning Guru
    Member

    Joined:
    Mar 30, 2013
    Messages:
    1,324
    Likes Received:
    692
    As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.
    Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.
    She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't.
    So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to ...unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time, she attempted the step.
    Once again, much to her annoyance, she could not raise her leg.
    With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.
    About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.
    She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"
    The Texan smiled and drawled, " Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we were friends."
     
  10. cheapncheerful

    Member

    Joined:
    Jan 31, 2014
    Messages:
    6,489
    Likes Received:
    2,043
    ahh brightened up my day ta spcleaning..:rofl:
     
Advertisement