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SPCleaning

Just for a Larf...



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SPCleaning

A man went into an Exeter supermarket and tried to buy half a cauliflower.

The young greens produce assistant told him that they sold only whole cauliflowers.

The man persisted, and asked to see the manager, and the boy went to find him.

Walking into the stock room, the boy said to his manager,

"Some idiot out there wants to buy half a cauliflower."

As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the customer standing right behind him, so he added,

"And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half."

The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.

Later the manager said to the boy,

"I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people here who think on their feet. Where are you from, son?"

Plymouth, sir," the boy replied.

"Why did you leave Plymouth ?" the manager asked.

The boy said,

"Sir, there's nothing there but prostitutes and rugby players."

"Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Plymouth ."

"You're kidding?" replied the boy.

"What position did she play?”

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SPCleaning

Brian and his wife Becca lived in Florida and every year they would drive to Disney World, and every year they would walk past a helicopter ride and Brian would say,

‘Becca, I’d like to ride in that helicopter’

Becca always replied,

‘Honey, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks’

One year Brain and Becca went to the Disney, and Brian said,

‘Becca, You know I’m 83 years old. If I don’t ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance’

To this, Becca replied,

“Brian you know that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks’

The pilot overheard the couple and said,

‘Folks I’ll make you a deal. I’ll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don’t say a word I won’t charge you a penny! But if you say one word it’s fifty dollars.’

Brian and Becca agreed and up they went.

The pilot did all kinds of fancy manoeuvres, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word…

When they landed, the pilot turned to Brian and said,

‘Did You know, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn’t. I’m impressed!’

Brian replied, ‘Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Becca fell out, but you know,

Fifty bucks is fifty bucks!’

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SPCleaning

A man purchased a new Mercedes to celebrate his wife leaving him and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. "There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.....Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.

The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. "It's been a long hard day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday. I don't feel like more paperwork, I don't need the frustration or the overtime, so if you can give me a really good excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."

The guy thinks about it for a second and says, "Last week my nagging wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!" "Have a nice weekend," said the officer.

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SPCleaning

Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in Fort Worth, Texas. After last call the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his truck and trailer and fall into it. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally, he got into the car and started the engine, switched the wipers on and off....it was a fine, dry summer night, flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons' vehicles left. Finally, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road. The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and administered a breathalyzer test. To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said, 'I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken.' 'I seriously doubt it', said the truly proud Hillbilly. 'Tonight I'm the designated decoy'

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SPCleaning

A 5-year old boy went to visit his grandmother one day.

Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said,

'Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?'

Grandma replied, 'Honey, my TV is my boyfriend.

I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long....

The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh...

I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend.'

Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible.

She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus.

Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.

The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door and there stood Grandma's minister.

The minister said, 'Hello son, is your Grandma home?'

The little boy replied, 'Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend.'

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SPCleaning

Husband buys his son an iPAD, daughter an iPOD, himself an iPHONE and his wife

an iRON.

She wasn't impressed even after he explained it can be integrated with the iWASH, iCOOK and iCLEAN network

 

This triggered the iNAG service, which totally wiped out the iSHAG ...

function!!!!

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SPCleaning

As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.

She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't.

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to ...unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time, she attempted the step.

Once again, much to her annoyance, she could not raise her leg.

With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"

The Texan smiled and drawled, " Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we were friends."

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SPCleaning

Jim’s car is swerving all over the road so a cop pulls him over, “Step out of the car” says the cop, “I am going to need you to take a breathalyzer test.” “I can’t”, Jim responds “You see I have very bad asthma, that can set off an attack.” “Alright,” says the cop, “then you’re going to have to take a blood test.” “Can’t do that either,” Jim responds, “I am a hemophiliac, if a wound is opened, I won’t stop bleeding, and I could bleed to death.” “Ok,” the cop answers “then I will need a urine sample.”

"Sorry,” says Jim “I also have diabetes, that could push my sugar count really low.” “Fine, so just come on out, and walk a straight line for me.” “Can’t do that either” responds Jim.

"Why not?” Demanded the exasperated cop. “Well, because I’m drunk!”

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cheapncheerful

keep em comin nice to have a larf at the end of a hard day ta spcleaning

 

Im useless at jokes all I can ever remember is the telly tubby joke...

 

what do you call a telly tubby who has been burgled...

 

tubby...

 

oh and its not even a funny joke..:rofl:

 

mind you....there is the one about the time smurf got his wallet out for a round...:whistle:

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Dave B

My 13 year old nephew has just started taking heroin

They "shoot up" so fast these days:D

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Alien Human

A camel asked his mum why they had a hump. She said son, it allows us to not drink for 40 days between waterin holes, we're the ships of the desert.

Ok, why have we got long eyelashes then? It stops the sand gettin in our eyes in a storm, and allows us to keep walkin.

Why have we got huge feet? Good question lad, it stops us sinkin in the sand, it distributes our weight evenly.

Why are we in chester zoo?

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SPCleaning

Teacher: "Kids,what does the chicken give you?"

Student: "Meat!"

Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"

Student: "Bacon!"

Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"

Student: "Homework!"

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SPCleaning

Three contractors are bidding to clean the windows at the White House. One is from Chicago, another is from Tennessee, and the third is from Minnesota.

All three go with a White House official to examine the work. The Minnesota contractor takes out a pad and pencil, then starts counting windows. He then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900. Thats $600 for my crew, and $300 profit for me." The Tennessee contractor also does some counting and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700. $400 for my crew, and $300 profit for me." The Chicago contractor doesn't count or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700." The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even count like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?" The Chicago contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to clean the windows." "Done!" replies the government official.

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SPCleaning

A husband and wife are shopping in their local supermarket.

The husband picks up a case of lager and puts it in their trolley.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife.

"They're on sale, only £10 for 24 cans" he replies.

"Put them back, we can't afford them" demands the wife.

 

They carry on shopping.

 

A few aisles further on, the woman picks up a £20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket. "What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband.

"It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: "So does 24 cans of lager and it's half the price!"

 

He should be out of intensive care in a few weeks!

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SPCleaning

A husband is at home watching the football when his wife interrupts;

“Honey could you fix the light on the landing? its been flickering for weeks”

 

He replies -“Fix the light? Do I have G E Electrical printed on my forehead? - I don't think so”

 

‘Well then could you fix the fridge door? It won’t close properly”

 

To which he replied - “Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Curry’s written on my forehead? - I don't think so”

 

“Fine’ she says “Then could you at least fix the front steps? They are about to break”

 

“I am not a damn Carpenter and I don’t want to fix the steps. Do I have Tommy Walsh on my forehead? - I don't think so. I have had enough and I am going to the pub!”

 

After a couple of hours and a few drinks at the local he starts to feel guilty of how he treated his wife and decides to go home to help.

As he walks to the house he notices the steps are already fixed. He enters, he notices that the landing light is working. Feeling he needs another drink he reaches for his beer from the fridge and finds the door now fits perfectly.

 

“Honey, how did you managed to get all this fixed?”

 

She replied - “Well, when you left I sat outside and cried. Then a nice young man asked me what was wrong and so I told him.

He offered to do all of the repairs and all I had to do was to either sleep with him or bake him a cake”

 

He said - ‘So what kind of cake did you bake him?”

 

She replied - “Helloooooo Does it look like I have Delia Smith on my forehead?

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Guest SolarPanelCleaning

How do you make a duck sing...........??????

 

 

Put it in the oven until it's "bill withers".

 

Boom boom.

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cheapncheerful

oh stop it I cant take any more ...but then again...yeh keep em coming..:rofl::rofl::rofl:

 

dont know where your getting em from spcleaning but there great.....as tony the tiger would say..

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SPCleaning

A Farmer's son borrowed the Farm Landrover to go into town to attend a Young Farmers get together in the local pub.

 

After an evening of merriment and with the cider still sloshing inside him, he climbed into the Landrover and started his journey home.

 

 

After a few miles there is an almighty bang, and the Landrover comes to a stop. The Farmer's son gets out to have a look, then rings his father.

 

 

Son

 

“Daa,......I bumped the Landy”

 

 

Dad

 

“bad buy?”

 

 

Son

 

“Dun it proper Daa”

 

 

Dad

 

“Drivable?”

 

 

Son

 

“Yea”

 

 

Dad

 

“Bring er home then”

 

 

Son

 

“I can't I hit someit”

 

 

Dad

 

“Whatee hit?”

 

 

Son

 

“Pig”

 

 

Dad

 

“Oh,....is it dead?”

 

 

Son

 

“Nope”

 

 

Dad

 

“Hurt bad?”

 

 

Son

 

“Yea”

 

 

Dad

 

“Got the rifle?”

 

 

Son

 

“Yea”

 

Dad

 

“Right buy, listen carefully. Shoot it in the head. Then slit its throat and let the blood drain. Understand?”

 

 

Son

 

“Yea”

 

 

The Farmer listens and hears the son load the rifle, the bolt sliding and after a few seconds the distinctive 'crack' that marked the pig's demise.

 

The Son comes back to the phone.

 

 

Son

 

“Dunit Daa”

 

 

Dad

 

“Well dun buy. Load it in the Landy. Fill the freezer up nicely, that will”

 

 

Son

 

“Righto Daa,...........What shall I do with his motorbike?”

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SPCleaning

I phoned up the newspaper to ask how much it was to advertise.

 

"It's £2 per inch, mate," he told me.

 

"SHIT! I got a 40 foot ladder to sell."

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Guest SolarPanelCleaning

How many Vietnam veterans does it take to change a lightbulb..........???

 

 

"YOU WOULDN'T KNOW, YOU WEREN'T THERE, MAN!!!"

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