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SPCleaning

Just for a Larf...



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SPCleaning

An elderly couple was just settled down for bed when they heard voices. Three men had broken into the outhouse. Scared, they called the police.

The dispatcher replied, he would send an officer as soon as one became available as they were all out on calls.

The old man waited for a few minutes and called Dispatch again. He told Dispatch, "Don't worry about sending an officer, I shot the robbers and now the dogs are eating their bodies!"

In no time at all, police were all over the place and captured the robbers red-handed! One of the cops asked the old man, "I thought you said you shot the robber and your dogs were eating them. " The old man replied, "I thought you said, there weren't any officers available."

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SPCleaning

The phone rings at FBI headquarters. “Hello? I’m calling to report my neighbor, Clifford. He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood!” “Thank you very much for the call, sir.”

The next day, FBI agents descend on the neighbor’s house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swear at the neighbors and leave.

The phone rings at the neighbors house. Hey, Clifford, did the FBI come?” “Yep.” “Did they chop your firewood?” “Yep.” “Great, now it’s your turn to call. I need my garden plowed.”

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SPCleaning

A Sergeant was addressing a squad of 25 and said: "I have a nice easy job for the laziest man here. Put up your hand if you are the laziest." 24 men raised their hands, and the sergeant asked the other man "why didn't you raise your hand?" The man replied: "Too much trouble raising the hand, Sarge."

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SPCleaning

By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don't care where." "Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, a Navy guy," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you." "No problem," the tired Marine assured him. "I'll take it." The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "How'd you sleep?" Asked the manager. "Never better." The manager was impressed. No problem with the other guy snoring, then?" "Nope, I shut him up in no time." Said the Marine. "How'd you manage that?" asked the manager. "He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the Marine explained. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."

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SPCleaning

A crusty old Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event, hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation. She said, "Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?" "Negative, ma'am," the Sergeant Major said, "Just serious by nature." The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action." The Sergeant Major's short reply was, "Yes, ma'am, a lot of action." The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself." The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?" The Sergeant Major looked at her and replied, "1955." She said, "Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955! Isn't that a little extreme?" The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "You think so? It's only 2130 now."

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Bingo

Anne Summers outlets are selling a new alcoholic vaginal gel that women can rub on their flaps!

So now, when a guy goes down, he can have a bevy aswell.

However.... Anti-drink campaigners want it banned amid fears of 24hr minge drinking!

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Bingo

A man sees a sign outside a house - 'Talking Dog For Sale.' He rings

the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the

back garden.

 

The man sees a very nice looking Labrador Retriever sitting there.

"Do you really talk?" he asks the dog.

 

"Yes," the Labrador replies.

 

After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, he man asks,

"So, tell me your story."

 

The Labrador looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk

when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I joined the

SAS.

 

"In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country,

sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one imagined

that a dog would be eavesdropping.

 

"I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years.

But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't

getting any younger so I decided to settle down.

 

I signed up for a job at Heathrow to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals. I got married, had a few puppies and now I've just retired."

 

The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how

much he wants for the dog.

 

"Ten quid," the owner says.

 

"£10!!? But this dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you

selling him so cheaply?"

 

"Because he's a lying bast@rd....He's never been out of the garden."

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Bingo

My Mrs sent me a text today saying....'I love you xxxxx'

...so I sent a text back saying...'I love you'

...the Mrs text back saying....'It would mean more if you put ex'es at the end'

....So I sent....... 'I love you...Tina, Jane, Clare, Emma, Sue.........".

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Bingo

Now I'm not one to say the Mrs is fat, but.......

 

Some thieving bugger has nicked a pair of her knickers off the washing line!!

 

She's not bothered about the knickers, but she wants the 15 pegs back .

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cheapncheerful

oh bingo ...its the way you tell em

 

great start to a monday morning off to work laughing got to be good...:D

 

my memory is that bad that I can enjoy these jokes all over again in a couple of weeks..:rolleyes:

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Bingo

The judge says to a double-murder defendant, "You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer."

 

A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bast@rd".

 

Continuing the judge says, "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer."

 

The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out again, "You rotten bast@rd"

 

The judge stops and says to Paddy in the back of the courtroom, "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at these crimes,

but no more outbursts from you, or I'll charge you with contempt. Is that understood?"

 

Paddy stands up and says, "I'm sorry, your honor, but for fifteen years I've lived next door to that bast@rd, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one”.

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Shiny Dan

Man comes home from the pub drunk with a sheep under his arm. He stumbles into the bedroom and shouts at the top of his voice

 

"See - this is the pig I have to F*** when you're not in the mood for sex!"

 

His wife wakes up, rolls over and says

 

"You're drunk and I think you'll find that's a sheep!"

 

Man replies

 

"I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep!!"

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cheapncheerful

right lot of comedians window cleaners..:rofl:

 

this could turn into a long running post...

 

but it cheers up a drab wet day here..

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Bingo

The Mrs said to me "You only want sex when your drunk"!

"That's not true" I replied, "Sometimes I want a kebab".

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cheapncheerful

going on here just before I set off to work is great ...keep em coming..

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Guest SolarPanelCleaning

Two monkeys in the bath.

 

First monkey goes "ooh ooh aaah ooh ooh!!!"

 

Second monkey says "shall I put some more cold in?".

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Bingo

Sheila walked into the kitchen to find Bruce stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" She asked.

"Hunting Flies" He responded.

"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell them apart?"

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

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Bingo

A fat girl stands up on a table in a pub and shouts..."If you can guess my weight you can shag me"!

So for a laugh I shouted back..."Your about 93 stone, you big fat ugly slag".

She shouted back........ "That's close enough for me you lucky fcuker"!

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Bingo

A blind man enters a Ladies Bar by mistake.

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

 

The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says....

"Before you tell that joke, I think it is just fair - giving that you are blind that you

should know five things:

 

1 - The bartender is a blonde girl.

2 - The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3 - I'm a 6 feet tall, 220 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4 - The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weightlifter.

5 - The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.

 

Now think about it seriously. Do you still wanna tell that joke"?

 

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, sighs and declares,

"Nah. Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

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cheapncheerful

oh just the tonic to get cheapie off to work with a smile...

 

dont know where your getting them from but they do lift the spirits..

 

yeh spc your monkey joke is just like cheapie on a monday morning having his first shave for two days with an electric shaver..

 

ow ow ow ow...what a wus he is...:rofl:

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ZoinkS

From one of the greats.. Tommy Cooper :)

 

One day a Waiter fell sick and was rushed to hospital. He was lying on the table in great pain.

 

When a Doctor passed by the Waiter said: “Hey doctor, could you do something for my pain?”

 

The Doctor said: “I’m sorry this isn’t my table.”

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SPCleaning

A soldier serving overseas far from home was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote to break off their engagement and ask for her photograph back.

 

He went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together, and sent them back with a note saying, “I regret that I cannot remember which one you are. Please keep your photo and return the others.”

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SPCleaning

Two Marines boarded a quick shuttle flight out of Dallas, headed for Houston. One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat. Just before take-off, an Army soldier got on and took the aisle seat next to the two Marines. The Soldier kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Marine in the window seat said, “I think I’ll get up and get a coke.” “No problem,” said the Soldier, “I’ll get it for you.” While he was gone, the Marine picked up the Soldier’s shoe and spit in it. When the Soldier returned with the coke, the Marine in the middle seat said, “That looks good, I think I’ll have one too.” Again, the Soldier obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the Marine picked up the soldier’s other shoe and spit in it. The Soldier returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the rest of the short flight to Houston. As the plane was landing, the Soldier slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. “How long must this go on?” the Soldier asked. “This fighting between our services? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and peeing in cokes?”

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Bingo

My wife said she's leaving me because I'm too imature.

I replied "Your talking a load of updoc you are"!

Guys,

you should have seen the look of sheer joy sweep across my face when she replied ''What's updoc''.

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Bingo

As I was walking into a pub yesterday,

there was a beggar sitting on the floor and he called out to me "Any change mate"

I said, "Nah!.....I still live in that big house with the Bently on the drive".

He replied, "But I haven't eaten for days"

I said, "Go-on....force yourself"!

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