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Just for a Larf...

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cheapncheerful

oh stop it I cant take any more ...but then again...yeh keep em coming..:rofl::rofl::rofl:

 

dont know where your getting em from spcleaning but there great.....as tony the tiger would say..

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SPCleaning

A Farmer's son borrowed the Farm Landrover to go into town to attend a Young Farmers get together in the local pub.

 

After an evening of merriment and with the cider still sloshing inside him, he climbed into the Landrover and started his journey home.

 

 

After a few miles there is an almighty bang, and the Landrover comes to a stop. The Farmer's son gets out to have a look, then rings his father.

 

 

Son

 

“Daa,......I bumped the Landy”

 

 

Dad

 

“bad buy?”

 

 

Son

 

“Dun it proper Daa”

 

 

Dad

 

“Drivable?”

 

 

Son

 

“Yea”

 

 

Dad

 

“Bring er home then”

 

 

Son

 

“I can't I hit someit”

 

 

Dad

 

“Whatee hit?”

 

 

Son

 

“Pig”

 

 

Dad

 

“Oh,....is it dead?”

 

 

Son

 

“Nope”

 

 

Dad

 

“Hurt bad?”

 

 

Son

 

“Yea”

 

 

Dad

 

“Got the rifle?”

 

 

Son

 

“Yea”

 

Dad

 

“Right buy, listen carefully. Shoot it in the head. Then slit its throat and let the blood drain. Understand?”

 

 

Son

 

“Yea”

 

 

The Farmer listens and hears the son load the rifle, the bolt sliding and after a few seconds the distinctive 'crack' that marked the pig's demise.

 

The Son comes back to the phone.

 

 

Son

 

“Dunit Daa”

 

 

Dad

 

“Well dun buy. Load it in the Landy. Fill the freezer up nicely, that will”

 

 

Son

 

“Righto Daa,...........What shall I do with his motorbike?”

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SPCleaning

I phoned up the newspaper to ask how much it was to advertise.

 

"It's £2 per inch, mate," he told me.

 

"SHIT! I got a 40 foot ladder to sell."

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Guest SolarPanelCleaning

How many Vietnam veterans does it take to change a lightbulb..........???

 

 

"YOU WOULDN'T KNOW, YOU WEREN'T THERE, MAN!!!"

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SPCleaning

An elderly couple was just settled down for bed when they heard voices. Three men had broken into the outhouse. Scared, they called the police.

The dispatcher replied, he would send an officer as soon as one became available as they were all out on calls.

The old man waited for a few minutes and called Dispatch again. He told Dispatch, "Don't worry about sending an officer, I shot the robbers and now the dogs are eating their bodies!"

In no time at all, police were all over the place and captured the robbers red-handed! One of the cops asked the old man, "I thought you said you shot the robber and your dogs were eating them. " The old man replied, "I thought you said, there weren't any officers available."

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SPCleaning

The phone rings at FBI headquarters. “Hello? I’m calling to report my neighbor, Clifford. He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood!” “Thank you very much for the call, sir.”

The next day, FBI agents descend on the neighbor’s house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swear at the neighbors and leave.

The phone rings at the neighbors house. Hey, Clifford, did the FBI come?” “Yep.” “Did they chop your firewood?” “Yep.” “Great, now it’s your turn to call. I need my garden plowed.”

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SPCleaning

A Sergeant was addressing a squad of 25 and said: "I have a nice easy job for the laziest man here. Put up your hand if you are the laziest." 24 men raised their hands, and the sergeant asked the other man "why didn't you raise your hand?" The man replied: "Too much trouble raising the hand, Sarge."

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SPCleaning

By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don't care where." "Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, a Navy guy," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you." "No problem," the tired Marine assured him. "I'll take it." The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "How'd you sleep?" Asked the manager. "Never better." The manager was impressed. No problem with the other guy snoring, then?" "Nope, I shut him up in no time." Said the Marine. "How'd you manage that?" asked the manager. "He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the Marine explained. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."

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SPCleaning

A crusty old Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event, hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation. She said, "Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?" "Negative, ma'am," the Sergeant Major said, "Just serious by nature." The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action." The Sergeant Major's short reply was, "Yes, ma'am, a lot of action." The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself." The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?" The Sergeant Major looked at her and replied, "1955." She said, "Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955! Isn't that a little extreme?" The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "You think so? It's only 2130 now."

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Bingo

Anne Summers outlets are selling a new alcoholic vaginal gel that women can rub on their flaps!

So now, when a guy goes down, he can have a bevy aswell.

However.... Anti-drink campaigners want it banned amid fears of 24hr minge drinking!

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Bingo

A man sees a sign outside a house - 'Talking Dog For Sale.' He rings

the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the

back garden.

 

The man sees a very nice looking Labrador Retriever sitting there.

"Do you really talk?" he asks the dog.

 

"Yes," the Labrador replies.

 

After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, he man asks,

"So, tell me your story."

 

The Labrador looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk

when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I joined the

SAS.

 

"In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country,

sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one imagined

that a dog would be eavesdropping.

 

"I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years.

But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't

getting any younger so I decided to settle down.

 

I signed up for a job at Heathrow to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals. I got married, had a few puppies and now I've just retired."

 

The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how

much he wants for the dog.

 

"Ten quid," the owner says.

 

"£10!!? But this dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you

selling him so cheaply?"

 

"Because he's a lying bast@rd....He's never been out of the garden."

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Bingo

My Mrs sent me a text today saying....'I love you xxxxx'

...so I sent a text back saying...'I love you'

...the Mrs text back saying....'It would mean more if you put ex'es at the end'

....So I sent....... 'I love you...Tina, Jane, Clare, Emma, Sue.........".

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Bingo

Now I'm not one to say the Mrs is fat, but.......

 

Some thieving bugger has nicked a pair of her knickers off the washing line!!

 

She's not bothered about the knickers, but she wants the 15 pegs back .

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cheapncheerful

oh bingo ...its the way you tell em

 

great start to a monday morning off to work laughing got to be good...:D

 

my memory is that bad that I can enjoy these jokes all over again in a couple of weeks..:rolleyes:

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Bingo

The judge says to a double-murder defendant, "You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer."

 

A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bast@rd".

 

Continuing the judge says, "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer."

 

The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out again, "You rotten bast@rd"

 

The judge stops and says to Paddy in the back of the courtroom, "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at these crimes,

but no more outbursts from you, or I'll charge you with contempt. Is that understood?"

 

Paddy stands up and says, "I'm sorry, your honor, but for fifteen years I've lived next door to that bast@rd, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one”.

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Shiny Dan

Man comes home from the pub drunk with a sheep under his arm. He stumbles into the bedroom and shouts at the top of his voice

 

"See - this is the pig I have to F*** when you're not in the mood for sex!"

 

His wife wakes up, rolls over and says

 

"You're drunk and I think you'll find that's a sheep!"

 

Man replies

 

"I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep!!"

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cheapncheerful

right lot of comedians window cleaners..:rofl:

 

this could turn into a long running post...

 

but it cheers up a drab wet day here..

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Bingo

The Mrs said to me "You only want sex when your drunk"!

"That's not true" I replied, "Sometimes I want a kebab".

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cheapncheerful

going on here just before I set off to work is great ...keep em coming..

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