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Two monkeys in the bath.

 

First monkey goes "ooh ooh aaah ooh ooh!!!"

 

Second monkey says "shall I put some more cold in?".

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Bingo

Sheila walked into the kitchen to find Bruce stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" She asked.

"Hunting Flies" He responded.

"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell them apart?"

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

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Bingo

A fat girl stands up on a table in a pub and shouts..."If you can guess my weight you can shag me"!

So for a laugh I shouted back..."Your about 93 stone, you big fat ugly slag".

She shouted back........ "That's close enough for me you lucky fcuker"!

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Bingo

A blind man enters a Ladies Bar by mistake.

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

 

The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says....

"Before you tell that joke, I think it is just fair - giving that you are blind that you

should know five things:

 

1 - The bartender is a blonde girl.

2 - The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3 - I'm a 6 feet tall, 220 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4 - The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weightlifter.

5 - The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.

 

Now think about it seriously. Do you still wanna tell that joke"?

 

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, sighs and declares,

"Nah. Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

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cheapncheerful

oh just the tonic to get cheapie off to work with a smile...

 

dont know where your getting them from but they do lift the spirits..

 

yeh spc your monkey joke is just like cheapie on a monday morning having his first shave for two days with an electric shaver..

 

ow ow ow ow...what a wus he is...:rofl:

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ZoinkS

From one of the greats.. Tommy Cooper :)

 

One day a Waiter fell sick and was rushed to hospital. He was lying on the table in great pain.

 

When a Doctor passed by the Waiter said: “Hey doctor, could you do something for my pain?”

 

The Doctor said: “I’m sorry this isn’t my table.”

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SPCleaning

A soldier serving overseas far from home was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote to break off their engagement and ask for her photograph back.

 

He went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together, and sent them back with a note saying, “I regret that I cannot remember which one you are. Please keep your photo and return the others.”

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SPCleaning

Two Marines boarded a quick shuttle flight out of Dallas, headed for Houston. One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat. Just before take-off, an Army soldier got on and took the aisle seat next to the two Marines. The Soldier kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Marine in the window seat said, “I think I’ll get up and get a coke.” “No problem,” said the Soldier, “I’ll get it for you.” While he was gone, the Marine picked up the Soldier’s shoe and spit in it. When the Soldier returned with the coke, the Marine in the middle seat said, “That looks good, I think I’ll have one too.” Again, the Soldier obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the Marine picked up the soldier’s other shoe and spit in it. The Soldier returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the rest of the short flight to Houston. As the plane was landing, the Soldier slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. “How long must this go on?” the Soldier asked. “This fighting between our services? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and peeing in cokes?”

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Bingo

My wife said she's leaving me because I'm too imature.

I replied "Your talking a load of updoc you are"!

Guys,

you should have seen the look of sheer joy sweep across my face when she replied ''What's updoc''.

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Bingo

As I was walking into a pub yesterday,

there was a beggar sitting on the floor and he called out to me "Any change mate"

I said, "Nah!.....I still live in that big house with the Bently on the drive".

He replied, "But I haven't eaten for days"

I said, "Go-on....force yourself"!

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Bingo

After being married for thirty years, a wife asked her husband to describe her.

He looked at her for a while ... then said, "You're

A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."

She asks ... "What does that mean?"

He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot.

She smiled happily and said ... "Oh, that's so lovely ... What about I, J, K?"

He said, "I'm Just Kidding!"

 

The swelling in his eye is going down and the doctor is fairly optimistic about saving his testicles.

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cheapncheerful

even the wife liked the third one and shes a miserable grumpy moo cow...she almost cracked a smile..

 

mind you she saves most of her laughter for my effort at tuffering on a sat morning..:rofl:

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Bingo

A golfer is cupping his hand to scoop water from a Highland burn on the St Andrews course.

 

A groundskeeper shouts: 'Dinnae drink tha waater! Et's foo ae coo's sh*te an p*sh!'

The golfer replies: 'My Good fellow, I'm from England. Could you repeat that for me, in English!?'

 

The keeper replies: 'I said, use two hands - you'll spill less that way!

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Bingo

A woman sitting in an Adelaide pub suddenly began to cough.

After a few seconds it became apparent that she was in real

distress, and two locals, Bluey and Bazza sitting at the next table turned to look at her.

 

Ken ya swaller? asked Bluey

The woman signalled 'No!', desperately shaking her head.

Kin ya breathe?' asked Bazza. The woman shook her head No!!!

 

With that, Bluey walked behind her, lifted up the back of her dress,

yanked down her knickers and ran his tongue up and down the crack of her bum.

 

This outrage shocked the woman into such a violent spasm that the

obstruction flew out of her mouth and she began to breathe again.

 

Bluey swaggered back to his table and took a deep swig of his

Fosters.

 

Bazza said in admiration 'Ya know Bluey, I'd heard of that bloody Hind Lick Manoeuvre, but that's

the first time I ever seen somebody do it.'

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cheapncheerful

and posted at 5.10 am as well...

 

keep em coming..love a laugh as I leave for work...

 

which is why I always tell the wife I love her and miss her..:rofl:

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Bingo

Little Johnny's mum looks out the window and sees little Johnny sitting on the kerb,

he has a packet of Smarties in one hand and in the other the neighbours cat,

wondering what he is up to she watches him for a while and as she does he quaffs some Smarties and licks the cat then shuffles up the kerb a little and then does it again,

this goes on for five minutes and little Johnny's mum has to find out whats going on so out she goes and says

"Johnny what are you doing?"

Little Johnny says "practiceing being a Hells Angel, mum"

"your what!" icon_eek.gif

He says "I'm popping pills, licking pussy and moving on!" icon_cool.gif

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Bingo

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.

Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me, if you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!"

 

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

 

Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."

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Bingo

A woman goes to the doctor and says, "I'm worried about some discharge - I think I'm getting too much."

 

The doctor says, "Pop up on the couch and remove your knickers."

 

He puts on his latex gloves and shoves 3 fingers in her vagina and asks, "How does that feel?"

 

She replies, "Phucking lovely, but the discharge is in my ear."

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cheapncheerful

the wife and daughter fail to see the humour...:rofl:

 

gonna be a long post this one...

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Bingo

I'm sure my Mrs is having sex behind my back...........

that would explain the strap-on hanging out of my arse this morning!

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