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Bingo

After being married for thirty years, a wife asked her husband to describe her.

He looked at her for a while ... then said, "You're

A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."

She asks ... "What does that mean?"

He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot.

She smiled happily and said ... "Oh, that's so lovely ... What about I, J, K?"

He said, "I'm Just Kidding!"

 

The swelling in his eye is going down and the doctor is fairly optimistic about saving his testicles.

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cheapncheerful

even the wife liked the third one and shes a miserable grumpy moo cow...she almost cracked a smile..

 

mind you she saves most of her laughter for my effort at tuffering on a sat morning..:rofl:

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Bingo

A golfer is cupping his hand to scoop water from a Highland burn on the St Andrews course.

 

A groundskeeper shouts: 'Dinnae drink tha waater! Et's foo ae coo's sh*te an p*sh!'

The golfer replies: 'My Good fellow, I'm from England. Could you repeat that for me, in English!?'

 

The keeper replies: 'I said, use two hands - you'll spill less that way!

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Bingo

A woman sitting in an Adelaide pub suddenly began to cough.

After a few seconds it became apparent that she was in real

distress, and two locals, Bluey and Bazza sitting at the next table turned to look at her.

 

Ken ya swaller? asked Bluey

The woman signalled 'No!', desperately shaking her head.

Kin ya breathe?' asked Bazza. The woman shook her head No!!!

 

With that, Bluey walked behind her, lifted up the back of her dress,

yanked down her knickers and ran his tongue up and down the crack of her bum.

 

This outrage shocked the woman into such a violent spasm that the

obstruction flew out of her mouth and she began to breathe again.

 

Bluey swaggered back to his table and took a deep swig of his

Fosters.

 

Bazza said in admiration 'Ya know Bluey, I'd heard of that bloody Hind Lick Manoeuvre, but that's

the first time I ever seen somebody do it.'

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cheapncheerful

and posted at 5.10 am as well...

 

keep em coming..love a laugh as I leave for work...

 

which is why I always tell the wife I love her and miss her..:rofl:

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Bingo

Little Johnny's mum looks out the window and sees little Johnny sitting on the kerb,

he has a packet of Smarties in one hand and in the other the neighbours cat,

wondering what he is up to she watches him for a while and as she does he quaffs some Smarties and licks the cat then shuffles up the kerb a little and then does it again,

this goes on for five minutes and little Johnny's mum has to find out whats going on so out she goes and says

"Johnny what are you doing?"

Little Johnny says "practiceing being a Hells Angel, mum"

"your what!" icon_eek.gif

He says "I'm popping pills, licking pussy and moving on!" icon_cool.gif

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Bingo

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.

Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me, if you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!"

 

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

 

Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."

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Bingo

A woman goes to the doctor and says, "I'm worried about some discharge - I think I'm getting too much."

 

The doctor says, "Pop up on the couch and remove your knickers."

 

He puts on his latex gloves and shoves 3 fingers in her vagina and asks, "How does that feel?"

 

She replies, "Phucking lovely, but the discharge is in my ear."

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cheapncheerful

the wife and daughter fail to see the humour...:rofl:

 

gonna be a long post this one...

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Bingo

I'm sure my Mrs is having sex behind my back...........

that would explain the strap-on hanging out of my arse this morning!

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Bingo

I've just bought a race horse, and he's called My Face.

I'm going to race it at Ascot.

The horse is so old and slow it won't win anything,

I just want to hear all the posh birds shouting......

"COME ON MY FACE ! COME ON MY FACE!"

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Bingo

A bloke walks into a Pub and asks for a pint of anything but Stella. Barman asks him what's wrong with Stella?

Bloke said "Well, I had 12 pints of Stella last night and when I got home I was f**king skint".

Barman says "If you have 12 pints of anything it would cost a lot"!

Bloke says, "No, Skint is my dog".

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Guest SolarPanelCleaning

Two snowmen in a field.

 

One says to the other, "can you smell carrots?".

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Bingo

3 thugs set-upon my Mrs last night and were kicking'n'punching hell out of her!

My neighbour said "Aren't you going to help"?

I said "Nah, 3 should be enough".

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Bingo

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy area.

She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do......

 

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"

The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage.

The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"

The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

 

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats".

Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.

"And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

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Bingo

I had to go too Thailand for an operation on my testicles.

The nurse cupped by balls and said, "Don't worry, it's normal to get an erection whilst doing this."

 

I said...."I haven't got an erection."

 

The nurse said...."I Have" .

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Bingo

The Mrs was in court charged with stealing a tin of peaches .

The Judge asked her..."How many peaches were in the tin?"

The Mrs replied..."Four your honour".

The Judge tells her, that she will serve 1 month in prison for each peach.

As she was being led away,

I shouted from the public gallery....... "And she stole a tin of peas!"

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Bingo

According to Tetley... the best way to make a cup of tea is to agitate the bag.

 

So every morning I slap the wife on the arse and say "Cup of tea please Fatty''.

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cheapncheerful

apparently my old bag not amused but I cant stop laughing so much that I have to use my new gav given powers to bookmark this post for when I feel depressed..:D

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SPCleaning

A seventeen-year-old came home with a Porsche and his parents began to yell and scream, “Where did you get that car?”

 

He calmly told them, “I bought it today.”

 

“With what money!?” demanded his parents. “We know what a Porsche costs.”

 

“Well,” said the boy, “this one cost me fifteen pounds.”

 

The parents began to yell even louder. “Who would sell a car like that for fifteen dollars!?” they asked.

 

“It was the lady up the street,” said the boy. “Don’t know her name — they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen pounds.”

 

“Oh my goodness!” moaned the mother, “she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what’s going on.”

 

So the boy’s father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting flowers. He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she has sold a Porsche for fifteen pounds and demanded to know why she did it.

 

“Well,” she said, “this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but I learned from a friend he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary and really doesn’t intend to come back. He claimed he was stranded and asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So I did.”

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cheapncheerful

ya bugger till now that is both very clever and very funny as long as wifey dont see it..ta...:rofl:

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Bingo

A new tomb has been discovered in the Valley of the Kings in Egypt.

Egyptologists stated that the mummy had been well-preserved using chocolate,

and are so exited at finding Pharaoh Rocher.

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Bingo

A guy goes to the Council for a job.

The interviewer asks, "Have you any alergies"?

"Yes, caffeine" he says.

 

"Are you disabled in any way"?

"Yes, I was in the army and a bomb exploded near me and blew my testicles off".

 

Interviewer says, "OK, your hired. The hours are 8 till 3, but you can start at 10".

The guy asks, "Why 10".

The interviewer says.......

"This is a Council job.

The 1st two hours we stand around drinking coffee and scratching our bollocks, so no point you coming in".

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