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SPCleaning

Just for a Larf...



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Bingo

Hey Guys!.....

Did you know, that when Larry LaPrise died, he's the man who wrote 'The Hokey Kokey',

the most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin.

They put his left leg in.......and that's when the trouble started.

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Bingo

My wife came down and caught me on the computer late last night.

I could tell straight away she wasnt pleased....

"Errr, I'm just looking for some cheap flights!" I told her.

Well she soon changed her tune......

she told me she loved me, unzipped my trousers and gave me a good seeing-too right there and then....

 

 

I didn't even realise she liked darts.

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Bingo

An Australian, an Irishman and a Scouser are in a bar.

They're staring at another man sitting on his own at a table in the corner.

He's so familiar, and not recognising him is driving them mad. They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs: "My God, it's Jesus!"

Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint. Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a pint of bitter.

Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the pints slowly, one after another.

After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio.

He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness. When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement: "My God! The arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone. It's a miracle!"

Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager. As he lets go, the man's eyes widen in shock. "Strewth mate, the bad back I've had all me life is completely gone! It's a miracle."

Jesus then approaches the Scouser who says,...... "Back off, mate, I'm on disability benefit!"

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cheapncheerful

dont know where your getting em from but they really funny ta bingo was feeling a bit depwessed...but not so now..

 

why depwessed...?

 

silly cheapie left his pole in the porch on his job yesterday and he has to go miles in the opposite direction to pick it up...

 

and...silly cheapie ..fell down one of them six inch drops they deliberately put in garden patios to feck wfp ers...

 

and so has a sorely ankle...:gush:

 

still weather looking slightly better for the rest of the week and cheapie is on a charge before the stupid schools release all the little darlings to get in his way:rolleyes:

 

im genuinely giving you funnys cause they are all funny...

 

if you could remember them and stand on stage....

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Bingo

An Australian sheep farmer is walking down the road carrying a sheep under each arm when he meets a mate of his who says......

"G'day mate, are you shearing?"

To which the sheep farmer replies.....

"Nah mate, gonna fcak'em both meself!"

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Bingo

The Mrs said to me, "I bet you can't go for one day without cracking a joke about my periods".

 

I said, "Your on"!

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Bingo

The Mrs gave me £60.00 yesterday, then told me to go out and spend it on something that makes her look sexy.

You should've seen her face when I came home pissed!

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Bingo

Murphy: "You've a nice couple of goldfish there Paddy. What are their names?"

 

Paddy: "I've called them, One and Two".

 

Murphy: "Why is that then Paddy?"

 

Paddy: "'Coz if One dies, I've still got Two".

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cheapncheerful

bloody hell bingo even the wife has started cracking a smile at these jokes..:rofl:

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Bingo

A koala is sitting up a gum tree smoking a joint when a little lizard walks past ,

looks up and says "Hey Koala ! what are you doing?"

 

The koala says: "Smoking a joint, come up and have some."

 

So the little lizard climbs up and sits next to the koala and they have a few joints.

After a while the little lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going to get a drink from the river.

But the little lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river.

 

A crocodile sees this and swims over to the little lizard and helps him to the side, then asks

the little lizard: "What's the matter with you?"

The little lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in

the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.

 

The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the rain forest, finds the tree where

the koala is sitting finishing a joint, and he looks up and says "Hey you!"

So the koala looks down at him and says:

 

 

 

 

"Fuuuu - k dude.......how much water did you drink?!!"

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Bingo

A feminist visits Kabul just after the fall of the Taliban, she is very upset to see that women must walk 5 paces behind the men.........

She returns one year later and is very happy to see that women are walking 5 paces in FRONT of the men.

"How has such a change come so quickly in female equality," she asks the local wise man.

"Landmines,"...... comes the reply

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Bingo

A pregnant Irish woman has been in a deep coma for months.

When she wakes the first thing she asks the doctor is...

"Hey Doctor, where's my bump"?

The Doctor replies....

"While you were in a deep coma, you gave birth to a lovely girl and boy,

and your brother came to visit and named them both for you".

"OH MY GOD!" She says, "He's as thick as shite, what did he call them"?

Doc replies "Denise".

"Oh" replies the woman, that's not so bad, I do like that name. What about my son"......

"Denephew".....replies the Doc.

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Bingo

THE DIFFERENCE IF YOU MARRY A SCOTTISH GIRL!! Three friends married women from different parts of the world..... The first man married a Greek girl. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away. ...

 

The second man married a Thai girl. He gave his wife orders that she..was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.

 

The third man married a girl from Scotland . He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal.

 

The first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything either but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher. He still has some difficulty when he urinates

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cheapncheerful

yeh the depwession has well lifted now:rofl:

 

still on my second kick ass coffee..

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Bingo

My Mrs suggested that we should liven up our sex life and try using the 'other hole' tonight.

 

I said...."But what if you get pregnant".

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Bingo

Paddy and his wife are lying in bed one the night and the neighbours dog is constantly barking in the garden.

 

Paddy says, "F*ck this!" and storms downstairs.

 

Five minutes later he comes back upstairs and his wife says, "what did you do?"

 

Paddy says, "I've put the f*cker in our garden........let's see how they like it!"

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Greener

I was cleaning this house the other day when I felt a small tap on my right leg, when I looked round to my utter amazement there stood a 6lb rainbow trout with a large bundle of £50 notes stuffed under its right pectoral fin! after a momentary shake of the head in disbelief I asked the little chap "how can I Fella?" to which he replied "excuse me Mr Cleaner please can you help me as i'm a little lost?, please can you tell me which way I need to go to get me nearest RIVER-BANK?"

 

:D;):D

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Greener
Where's the facepalm emojee gone

Don't you mean Plaice-palm emojee? BOOM ;)

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Bingo

Murrphy calls-in to see his mate Paddy, who has a broken leg.

 

Paddy says, "Me feet are freezing mate, could you nip upstairs and get me slippers?"

 

"No bother," he says, and he runs upstairs and there are Paddy's two stunning 19 year old twin daughters sat on their beds.

 

"Hello dere girls, your Da' sent me up here to shag ya both."

 

"Fcuk-off you liar!"

 

"I'll prove it," Murphy says.

 

So he shouts down the stairs, "Both of them, Paddy?"

 

Paddy replies......"Of course, what's the use of fookin' one without the other?"

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Bingo

A Women walks past a building site and one builder says to another.....

"I'd give her one"

She hears him and shouts at him.....

"Men like you disgust me, what makes you think I would ever have sex with you?"

The builder replies......

"SEX, what the fcuk are you on about.......I was marking you out of 10!"

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SPCleaning

While Peter was on a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

 

The elephant turned to face the man and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

 

Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

 

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

 

Probably wasn't the same f***ing elephant.

 

This is for everyone who sends me those heart-warming bullshit stories.

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SPCleaning

Sitting on the side of the highway watching to catch speeding drivers, a police officer sees a car puttering along at 22kph.

He says to himself, 'This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder' so he turns on the lights and pulls the driver over.

 

Approaching the car he notices there are five old ladies, two in the front and three in the back... all wide eyed and white as ghosts.

 

The driver, obviously confused, says to him 'Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit. What seems to be the problem?

''Ma'am,' he replied, 'you weren't speeding but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers.

''Slower than the speed limit? No sir,' she said, 'I was was doing the speed limit exactly... 22kph!' The old woman said a bit proudly.

 

The Officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that '22' is the Highway number, not the speed limit.

A bit embarrassed, the old woman grins and thanks the Officer for pointing out her error.

 

'But before I let you go Ma'am,' he says, ' I have to ask.... is everyone in the car okay? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't made a peep this whole time.

 

''Oh, they'll be alright in a minute, Officer,' she replied, 'We just got off Highway 189.

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Green Pro Clean Ltd

Young Dave decides he's not cut out for the rat race so heads to the local monastery and joins the monks in the brotherhood.

 

Monseigneur tells him that he has to take a vow of silence but is allowed to say two words every 10 years.

 

First 10 years go by he says 'bad food'

 

Next 10 years go by and he says 'hard bed'

 

Another 10 years go by he says 'can't sleep'

 

Next decade passes he says 'I'm leaving'

 

Monseigneur says 'Thank f**k! You done nothing but b!tch since you got here!

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