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Diwrnach

If sex between three people is called a Threesome and sex between two people is called a Twosome...

 

Then why is Handsome still a compliment?

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till

Two Irish men went to the sperm clinic in London the other day. They were not very successful.

Paddy missed the tube.

And Murphy came on the bus!

 

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Bingo

Sad news at the Nestle Factory earlier today.

 

A member of staff was seriously injured when a full pallet of chocolate

fell more than 50ft, trapping the employee and crushing his legs.

 

He tried in-vain to attract attention from his fellow workers, but......

every-time he shouted 'THE MILKYBARS ARE ON ME'..........everyone cheered.

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till

My wife says she is doing a course on being a magicians assistance.

I think she is doing well.

As the other day I came home early from work as she said 'aberacadaber!' And my mate Dave appered naked out of the wardrobe.

Poor chap must have wondered what was going on!

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steve garwood

2 blokes go on stars in their eyes, one of them is in a wheelchair. Harry hill says welcome to the show, what is your names? The bloke standing replies"I'm Simon and this guy in the chair is my uncle, Dave" harry asked "why you in the wheelchair Dave" he says "I was in Hawaii surfing and a tiger shark attacked and bit off my legs" harry turns to Simon and says " blimey, sorry to hear that. Anyway, welcome to the show, who are you going to be tonight?" He replies "tonight harry were going to be Simon and half uncle"

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Bingo

I'll never forget how happy I was when I saw my missus walking down the aisle towards me.

My heart was beating fast and the excitement was unbearable.

It seemed to take an age, but eventually, there she was, standing beside me.

I gave her a loving smile and said,

"Get that trolley over here love....they're doing 3 cases of beer for the price of 2!''

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Bingo

Five blokes in an Audi Quattro arrived at the ferry checkpoint in Ireland.

 

Paddy, so proud in his brand new uniform, stops them and tells them:

"I can't let you on the ferry. It is illegal to have 5 people in a Quattro. Quattro means four. One of you will have to get out and stay behind."

 

"Quattro is just the name of the car," the driver replies disbelievingly. "Look at the papers, this car is designed to carry five people."

 

"You can’t pull that one on me, this is Paddy you're talking to here," he replies with a smile.

"Quattro means four. You have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking the law. So I can't let you onto the ferry. It's more than my job's worth to let you all on."

 

The driver is now very cross and replies angrily, "I've had enough of you, call your Supervisor over. I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!"

 

"I'm sorry," responds Paddy, "but Murphy the Supervisor is busy dealing with those two blokes in the Fiat Uno."

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steve garwood

Glad Switzerland are through to the finals of the euros. I like their flag, which is a big plus

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till

What's the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?

I wouldn't pay £60 for lentil on my chest!

 

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till

An English man walks into a bar.

Hold on at this point in the joke there should be a Welshman Scotsman and an irishman .

Oh but there still in the rugby world cup.

 

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cheapncheerful
What's the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?

I wouldn't pay £60 for lentil on my chest!

 

Sent from my GT-I9195 using Tapatalk

had to ask the wifey to help me understand it and she feckin did...

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cheapncheerful
An English man walks into a bar.

Hold on at this point in the joke there should be a Welshman Scotsman and an irishman .

Oh but there still in the rugby world cup.

 

Sent from my GT-I9195 using Tapatalk

even wifey liked that one...

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Dave B
Two homosexual Scotsmen.....Ben Doon and Phill McCrevis .

2 homosexual irish men

Patrick fitzgerald and gerald fitzpatrick

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till

Husband is walking behind his wife and says "you're bum is so big it looks like an old washing machine "

Later on in the evening he starts to get amarous with his wife and she says "I'm not starting up the washing machine for such a small load. You will have to do it by hand. "

 

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till

The Coca Cola factory in Dublin. Have just found 15 new employees

The Irish rugby team.

They are good at bottling it !

 

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steve garwood

Playing golf the other day, and my mate slices one into long grass. You've lost that I said. Oh yeh, watch this he replies, and then presses a button on a fob. His ball starts to beep and he retrieves it. He then hits one into some dark woods. Well thats a gonna, I say. He presses a different button and the ball starts to glow and flash and he retreives it. That's bloody fantastic I say, I have to get one. Where did you get it? He replies, I found it

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