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SPCleaning

Just for a Larf...



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Bingo

My Mrs suggested that we should liven up our sex life and try using the 'other hole' tonight.

 

I said...."But what if you get pregnant".

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Bingo

Paddy and his wife are lying in bed one the night and the neighbours dog is constantly barking in the garden.

 

Paddy says, "F*ck this!" and storms downstairs.

 

Five minutes later he comes back upstairs and his wife says, "what did you do?"

 

Paddy says, "I've put the f*cker in our garden........let's see how they like it!"

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Greener

I was cleaning this house the other day when I felt a small tap on my right leg, when I looked round to my utter amazement there stood a 6lb rainbow trout with a large bundle of £50 notes stuffed under its right pectoral fin! after a momentary shake of the head in disbelief I asked the little chap "how can I Fella?" to which he replied "excuse me Mr Cleaner please can you help me as i'm a little lost?, please can you tell me which way I need to go to get me nearest RIVER-BANK?"

 

:D;):D

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Greener
Where's the facepalm emojee gone

Don't you mean Plaice-palm emojee? BOOM ;)

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Bingo

Murrphy calls-in to see his mate Paddy, who has a broken leg.

 

Paddy says, "Me feet are freezing mate, could you nip upstairs and get me slippers?"

 

"No bother," he says, and he runs upstairs and there are Paddy's two stunning 19 year old twin daughters sat on their beds.

 

"Hello dere girls, your Da' sent me up here to shag ya both."

 

"Fcuk-off you liar!"

 

"I'll prove it," Murphy says.

 

So he shouts down the stairs, "Both of them, Paddy?"

 

Paddy replies......"Of course, what's the use of fookin' one without the other?"

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Bingo

A Women walks past a building site and one builder says to another.....

"I'd give her one"

She hears him and shouts at him.....

"Men like you disgust me, what makes you think I would ever have sex with you?"

The builder replies......

"SEX, what the fcuk are you on about.......I was marking you out of 10!"

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SPCleaning

While Peter was on a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

 

The elephant turned to face the man and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

 

Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

 

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

 

Probably wasn't the same f***ing elephant.

 

This is for everyone who sends me those heart-warming bullshit stories.

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SPCleaning

Sitting on the side of the highway watching to catch speeding drivers, a police officer sees a car puttering along at 22kph.

He says to himself, 'This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder' so he turns on the lights and pulls the driver over.

 

Approaching the car he notices there are five old ladies, two in the front and three in the back... all wide eyed and white as ghosts.

 

The driver, obviously confused, says to him 'Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit. What seems to be the problem?

''Ma'am,' he replied, 'you weren't speeding but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers.

''Slower than the speed limit? No sir,' she said, 'I was was doing the speed limit exactly... 22kph!' The old woman said a bit proudly.

 

The Officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that '22' is the Highway number, not the speed limit.

A bit embarrassed, the old woman grins and thanks the Officer for pointing out her error.

 

'But before I let you go Ma'am,' he says, ' I have to ask.... is everyone in the car okay? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't made a peep this whole time.

 

''Oh, they'll be alright in a minute, Officer,' she replied, 'We just got off Highway 189.

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Green Pro Clean Ltd

Young Dave decides he's not cut out for the rat race so heads to the local monastery and joins the monks in the brotherhood.

 

Monseigneur tells him that he has to take a vow of silence but is allowed to say two words every 10 years.

 

First 10 years go by he says 'bad food'

 

Next 10 years go by and he says 'hard bed'

 

Another 10 years go by he says 'can't sleep'

 

Next decade passes he says 'I'm leaving'

 

Monseigneur says 'Thank f**k! You done nothing but b!tch since you got here!

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mr shine

hey bingo leave out your anti irish okes , theres a lot of different nationalities come on here and i dont see you targetting them , maybe it was fashionable back in the seventies but things have moved on since then

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Green Pro Clean Ltd
hey bingo leave out your anti irish okes , theres a lot of different nationalities come on here and i dont see you targetting them , maybe it was fashionable back in the seventies but things have moved on since then

 

Mate, leave the PC nonsense to the office workers and those white as white, it's a joke, I am pretty sure Bingo intended it as such and hence no harm (intended) no foul. If you got no sense of humor don't read a thread full of jokes.

 

Oh and having been to Ireland twice in my life I have heard enough sh!te spoken about the English whilst there so let's just call it even.

 

I'm sure over time this thread will take on all nationalities, races and genders equally!

 

Either that or it just got killed! :whistle:

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Green Pro Clean Ltd

Jewish boy says 'dad can I have 50p?'

 

Dad says '40p? 30p? What do you want 20p for? I haven't even got 10p!'

 

(There we go that's all the Jewish window cleaners insulted as well now!) :eek:

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Green Pro Clean Ltd

Bruce and Sheila walking over Sydney Harbor bridge, Sheila says 'Bruce, I'm pregnant and if you don't marry me i'm gonna throw my self off this bridge!'

 

Bruce says 'Sheila, not only are you a damn good f**k, you're a bl00dy good sport as well!'

 

(Oops that's the Aussie windies covered)

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Green Pro Clean Ltd

What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?

 

Nothing, you told her twice already!

 

(That's all the female windies insulted ((please don't hurnt me Shazza) :P

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Green Pro Clean Ltd

Some years ago whilst living in Arizona I was pulled up by highway patrol and charged with DUI (Driving under the influence)

 

Next day in court the Judge asks 'What were you doing? Drinking 14 beers and trying to drive home?'

 

I told the judge 'Had to drive, I was in no condition to walk anywhere!'

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adamangler

Well i was astonished to learn that the meat in Subway was slaughtered in a traditional Muslim way.

 

How do they fit a rucksack on a cow?

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Bingo
hey bingo leave out your anti irish okes , theres a lot of different nationalities come on here and i dont see you targetting them , maybe it was fashionable back in the seventies but things have moved on since then

 

Hey Guys......This is NOT a joke, but a serious request......

 

Who-ever stole Mr Shine's sense of humour, please give it back.

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Dave B

I have a bit of irish blood and i find these jokes hilarious

I obviously would be tarred and feathered if i went to ireland for laughing at them

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mr shine

well .... i never had one of them before , ring any bells green lol:oops: only a week or so ago you threw your toys out of the pram when boarcity slagged of anyone south of the dover straits and slated anyone for dealing with asians ,so with that does this mean your a hypocrite :iagree:. if there were any anti english jokes prior to your response to balance things out then i wouldnt have complained in the first place but no .anyway i have to go and round up the leprechuans for their dinner and drop the kids of at the parish priests house as hes gonna do a bit of babysittin for us ,they should be safe enough :giggle:. one final thing apologies for not been able to link the above as im just a stupid thick paddy :)), without a sence of humour:giggle:

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mr shine

sorry green i forgot to say ... quote .... well up yours to green lol :finger: lmao

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Bingo

I once went out with a girl who had eczema

 

She had cracking tits !!

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Bingo

There was pandmonium last night at the annual paranoid schizophrenics pantomine when one of the audience shouted.........

 

"HE'S BEHIND YOU!!"

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Bingo

The nun teaching Sunday school was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question, 'When you die and go to Heaven, which part of your body goes first?'

Suzy raised her hand and said, 'I think it's your hands.'

'Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?'

Suzy replied: 'Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first.'

'What a wonderful answer!', the nun said.

Little Johnny raised his hand and said, 'Sister, I think it's your feet.'

The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face.

'Now, Johnny, why do you think it would be your feet?'

Johnny said: 'Well, I walked past Mom and Dad's bedroom the other night.

Mom had her legs up in the air and she was saying:

'Oh God! I'm coming!'

If Dad hadn't pinned her down, I reckon we'd have lost her.".....

 

The nun had to leave the room.

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Bingo

A few years ago......

I was kicked out of school after being caught kissing one of the girls from my class behind the bike sheds.

When I was leaving, the headmaster said.........

'It was a great pity, because I was an exellent maths teacher'.

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Bingo

Annoyed by the Professor of Anatomy, who liked to tell "naughty" stories during class, a group of female students decided that the next time he started to tell one, they would all rise and leave the room in protest.

 

The Professor, however, got wind of their scheme just before class the following day, so he bided his time.

Then.....halfway through the lecture, he began.........."They say there is quite a shortage of prostitutes in France."

 

The girls looked at one another, arose and started for the door.

 

 

"Ladies, Ladies" said the professor with a broad smile, "The next plane for France doesn't leave till tomorrow afternoon."

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Green Pro Clean Ltd
sorry green i forgot to say ... quote .... well up yours to green lol :finger: lmao

 

Wow Mr Shine, that must be the legendary Irish wit, or at least half of it!

Did you think that up all by yourself?

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mr shine

a bitter childish response , i expected more , not to worry green enjoy the rest of your weekend

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