Jokes

[mark m]

I was telling a girl in the pub about my uncanny ability to guess the day a woman was born just by feeling their breasts.

"Really?" she said. "Go on then... Try."

After about 30 seconds of fondling she began to lose patience.

"Come on," she demanded, "What day was I born on?"

"Yesterday?" I replied.

 

[mark m]

Q. Why do bald men have holes in there pockets?

A. So they can run their fingers through their hair.

A soldier was given the job of hunting for buffalo. To help him, he hired an Indian Scout. The two of them set off on their journey to find buffalo. After riding awhile, the Indian gets off his horse, puts his ear to the ground and says "Humm, buffalo come".

The soldier scans the area with his binoculars, but sees nothing. He is confused and says to the Indian, "I do not see anything, how do you know buffalo come?"

And the Indian replies, "Ear sticky".

 

[mark m]

Dogs

View attachment 423

 

[Dodger]

haha like that last one, always cheer me up at 4am these.

 

[mark m]

Two Crocodiles were sitting at the side of the swamp near a lake.

The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, "I can't understand how

you can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age, we were the same size

as kids. I just don't get it."

"Well," said the big Crock, "what have you been eating?"

"Politicians, same as you," replied the small 'Crock.

"Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?"

"Down the other side of the swamp near the parking lot by the Parliament

House."

"Same here. Hmm. How do you catch them?"

"Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to unlock

the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the poo out of

them and eat em!"

"Ah!" says the big Crocodile, "I think I see your problem. You're not

getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the poo

out of a Politician, there's nothing left but an arsehole and a briefcase."

 

[super mck]

the missus left a note on top of the telly for me. "its not working i,am off .....plugged it in, turned it on, nothing wrong with it.......

 

[CleanersLondon]

lol /emoticons/biggrin.png /emoticons/biggrin.png /emoticons/biggrin.png

 

[Gmeister]

Feminists say that tomorrow will be 'The Age Of Woman'.Sorry to break it to them but there's already been an Iron Age.

 

[Gmeister]

I was shocked when my wife said she was leaving me for never paying her any attention.The note had been on the kitchen table for six weeks.

 

[Gmeister]

I went to see a psychic yesterday.He said "What's your name?"I said "I want my money back"

 

[mark m]

My missus packed my bags and screamed at me as i walked out the door ... " i wish u a slow and painful death u ******* " she yelled..... " oh ,so u want me to stay now ,i replied...!

 

[Dodger]

Bout time, cheered me up again mark

 

[mark m]

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was

really ******.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the

driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke

up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box

gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought

the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.

 

[Dodger]

lol, thats what we missed.

 

[MyLittleCleaningCompany]

Lol, brilliant!

 

[mark m]

My wife came in and said " i`d bet you`d love a titty w ank wouldn`t` you ?" I sighed "how badly damaged is the car this time

 

[mark m]

Q. What do the Mafia and a ***** have in common?

A. One slip of the tongue, and you're in deep ****.

 

[Gmeister]

I had 15 yogurts yesterday!

I felt Mullered!

 

[mr shine]

how can you tell an englishman is sexually excited , by his stiff upper lip lol

 

[Dodger]

Three Vicars chatting about a bat problem in the belfrys of their churches:-

1st Vicar, "I couldnt get rid of them. I borrowed a shotgun, but only succeeded in blowing holes in the church roof, and all the bats came back again!"

2nd Vicar "Well, I was more humane. I had them all caught in a net, drove 200 miles and released them.By the time I got back, they'd been back for hours"

3rd Vicar, "Well,I sorted mine out very easily......."

The others were astonished, and wanted to know how.

"Well," he said, "It was easy. I baptized them,confirmed them, and I havent seen them since!!!!"

 

[Dodger]

Once a captain on his ship was disturbed by his assistant telling him, “Sir! Sir! There are 5 enemy ships on the horizon.”

The captain tells the man,” Get my red coat and prepare for battle!”

The assistant runs without question to get the captains red coat and prepares for battle. After their victory the assistant asks the captain why he wanted his red coat.

The captain tells the assistant “If I was shot you would not be able to tell I’m bleeding and you would keep fighting.”

The assistant thought this was a great idea. The next day the assistant came to the captain, “Sir! Sir! There are twenty enemy ships on the horizon!”

The captain was stunned. He looked at the assistant and told him “Get me my brown pants!”