Jokes

[JustBarley]

- Do you speak English?

- Yes!

- Name?

- Abdul Aziz.

- Sex?

- Three to five times a day.

- No, no...I mean male or female?

- Yes, male, female, sometimes camel.

- Holy cow!

- Yes, cow, sheep, animals in general.

- But isn't that hostile?

- Horse style, doggy style, any style!

- Oh dear!

- No, no! Deer run too fast...

 

[spmonkay]

More!! I haven't laughed so much in ages!! Brilliant!!

 

[M.K Cleaners.co.uk]

Ive been here for months yet never looked in here.... Why?

 

[M.K Cleaners.co.uk]

Snowman says to another snowman

"Can you smell carrots"

its allways the simple ones that are funny

Why are pirates, Pirates?

Because they Y'ARRRRRR

LOL.

 

[M.K Cleaners.co.uk]

THIS IS A STORY ABOUT A COUPLE WHO HAD BEEN HAPPILY MARRIED FOR YEARS. THE ONLY FRICTION IN THEIR MARRIAGE WAS THE HUSBAND'S HABIT OF FARTING LOUDLY EVERY MORNING WHEN HE AWOKE. THE NOISE WOULD WAKE HIS WIFE AND THE SMELL WOULD MAKE HER EYES WATER AND MAKE HER GASP FOR AIR. EVERY MORNING SHE WOULD PLEAD WITH HIM TO STOP RIPPING THEM OFF BECAUSE IT WAS MAKING HER SICK. HE TOLD HER HE COULDN'T STOP IT AND THAT IT WAS PERFECTLY NATURAL. SHE TOLD HIM TO SEE A DOCTOR, SHE WAS CONCERNED THAT ONE DAY HE WOULD BLOW HIS GUTS OUT. THE YEARS WENT BY AND HE CONTINUED TO RIP THEM OUT. THEN ONE CHRISTMAS DAY MORNING, AS SHE WAS PREPARING THE TURKEY FOR DINNER AND HE WAS UPSTAIRS SOUND ASLEEP, SHE LOOKED AT THE INNARDS, NECK, GIZZARD, LIVER AND ALL THE SPARE PARTS, AND A MALICIOUS THOUGHT CAME TO HER. SHE TOOK THE BOWL AND WENT UPSTAIRS WHERE HER HUSBAND WAS SOUND ASLEEP AND, GENTLY PULLING THE BED COVERS BACK, SHE PULLED BACK THE ELASTIC WAISTBAND OF HIS UNDERPANTS AND EMPTIED THE BOWL OF TURKEY GUTS INTO HIS SHORTS.. SOME TIME LATER SHE HEARD HER HUSBAND WAKEN WITH HIS USUAL TRUMPETING WHICH WAS FOLLOWED BY A BLOOD CURDLING SCREAM AND THE SOUND OF FRANTIC FOOT STEPS AS HE RAN INTO THE BATH ROOM. THE WIFE COULD HARDLY CONTROL HERSELF AS SHE ROLLED ON THE FLOOR LAUGHING, TEARS IN HER EYES! AFTER YEARS OF TORTURE SHE RECKONED SHE HAD GOT HIM BACK PRETTY GOOD. ABOUT TWENTY MINUTES LATER, HER HUSBAND CAME DOWNSTAIRS IN HIS BLOODSTAINED UNDERPANTS WITH A LOOK OF HORROR ON HIS FACE. SHE BIT HER LIP AS SHE ASKED HIM WHAT WAS THE MATTER. HE SAID, 'HONEY YOU WERE RIGHT.' 'ALL THESE YEARS YOU HAVE WARNED ME AND I DIDN'T LISTEN TO YOU'. 'WHAT DO YOU MEAN?' ASKED HIS WIFE. 'WELL, YOU ALWAYS TOLD ME THAT ONE DAY I WOULD END UP FARTING MY GUTS OUT, AND TODAY IT FINALLY HAPPENED. BUT BY THE GRACE OF GOD, SOME VASELINE AND TWO FINGERS. I THINK I GOT MOST OF THEM BACK IN!"

 

[spmonkay]

THIS IS A STORY ABOUT A COUPLE WHO HAD BEEN HAPPILY MARRIED FOR YEARS. THE ONLY FRICTION IN THEIR MARRIAGE WAS THE HUSBAND'S HABIT OF FARTING LOUDLY EVERY MORNING WHEN HE AWOKE. THE NOISE WOULD WAKE HIS WIFE AND THE SMELL WOULD MAKE HER EYES WATER AND MAKE HER GASP FOR AIR. EVERY MORNING SHE WOULD PLEAD WITH HIM TO STOP RIPPING THEM OFF BECAUSE IT WAS MAKING HER SICK. HE TOLD HER HE COULDN'T STOP IT AND THAT IT WAS PERFECTLY NATURAL. SHE TOLD HIM TO SEE A DOCTOR, SHE WAS CONCERNED THAT ONE DAY HE WOULD BLOW HIS GUTS OUT. THE YEARS WENT BY AND HE CONTINUED TO RIP THEM OUT. THEN ONE CHRISTMAS DAY MORNING, AS SHE WAS PREPARING THE TURKEY FOR DINNER AND HE WAS UPSTAIRS SOUND ASLEEP, SHE LOOKED AT THE INNARDS, NECK, GIZZARD, LIVER AND ALL THE SPARE PARTS, AND A MALICIOUS THOUGHT CAME TO HER. SHE TOOK THE BOWL AND WENT UPSTAIRS WHERE HER HUSBAND WAS SOUND ASLEEP AND, GENTLY PULLING THE BED COVERS BACK, SHE PULLED BACK THE ELASTIC WAISTBAND OF HIS UNDERPANTS AND EMPTIED THE BOWL OF TURKEY GUTS INTO HIS SHORTS.. SOME TIME LATER SHE HEARD HER HUSBAND WAKEN WITH HIS USUAL TRUMPETING WHICH WAS FOLLOWED BY A BLOOD CURDLING SCREAM AND THE SOUND OF FRANTIC FOOT STEPS AS HE RAN INTO THE BATH ROOM. THE WIFE COULD HARDLY CONTROL HERSELF AS SHE ROLLED ON THE FLOOR LAUGHING, TEARS IN HER EYES! AFTER YEARS OF TORTURE SHE RECKONED SHE HAD GOT HIM BACK PRETTY GOOD. ABOUT TWENTY MINUTES LATER, HER HUSBAND CAME DOWNSTAIRS IN HIS BLOODSTAINED UNDERPANTS WITH A LOOK OF HORROR ON HIS FACE. SHE BIT HER LIP AS SHE ASKED HIM WHAT WAS THE MATTER. HE SAID, 'HONEY YOU WERE RIGHT.' 'ALL THESE YEARS YOU HAVE WARNED ME AND I DIDN'T LISTEN TO YOU'. 'WHAT DO YOU MEAN?' ASKED HIS WIFE. 'WELL, YOU ALWAYS TOLD ME THAT ONE DAY I WOULD END UP FARTING MY GUTS OUT, AND TODAY IT FINALLY HAPPENED. BUT BY THE GRACE OF GOD, SOME VASELINE AND TWO FINGERS. I THINK I GOT MOST OF THEM BACK IN!"

Lol!! Sick but lol!!

 

[mark m]

After years of trying i have finally found my wifes G spot !

Can you believe her sister had it all along

 

[Bingo]

Well....

I pulled one of them Pikey slappers last night.

She asked me if I wanted to go back to her place for a good time.....

She wasn't kidding me either guys.

I went on the Waltzer, Ghost Train, Dodgems....AND....

I walked home in the early hours this morning with a Goldfish......Winner /emoticons/biggrin.png .

 

[Bingo]

An ice cream van just drove past advertising 'Any Flavour You Can Think Of'.

Soooo, I asked for a 'Minge-Flavoured' ice cream cornet.

After the first lick, I said to the ice cream man......"This tastes like ****"!

He said...."Take shorter licks".

 

[Bingo]

Anne Summers outlets are selling a new alcoholic vaginal gel that women can rub on their flaps!

So now, when a guy goes down, he can have a bevy aswell.

However.... Anti-drink campaigners want it banned amid fears of 24hr minge drinking!

 

[Bingo]

3 thugs set-upon my Mrs last night and were kicking **** out of her!

My neighbour said "Aren't you going to help"?

I said "Nah, 3 should be enough".

 

[Bingo]

My wife said she's leaving me because I'm too immature.

I replied "Your talking a load of updoc you are"!

Guys, you should have seen the look of sheer joy sweep across my face when she replied...."What's updoc"

 

[Dodger]

lol few good ones there bingo

 

[M.K Cleaners.co.uk]

My wife said she's leaving me because I'm too immature.

I replied "Your talking a load of updoc you are"!

Guys, you should have seen the look of sheer joy sweep across my face when she replied...."What's updoc"

Im going to try that out later Ha.

 

[Gmeister]

When I was younger I hated going to weddings...always seemed that my aunts and nans would start telling me,''You're next.'' They soon stopped after I started doing the same to them at funerals.

 

[Gmeister]

I looked through the window and said to my wife, "It's looking a bit sh*t out there." She said, "What you on about? It's blue sky and sunshine." I said, "I've just spotted your mother coming up the street."

 

[Dodger]

lol Graham good ones

 

[M.K Cleaners.co.uk]

When I was younger I hated going to weddings...always seemed that my aunts and nans would start telling me,''You're next.'' They soon stopped after I started doing the same to them at funerals.

I like this one!

 

[Dodger]

Me too, classic

 

[Bingo]

As I was walking into a pub yesterday, there was a beggar sitting on the floor and he called out to me "Any change mate".

I said, "Nah!.....I still live in that big house with the Bently on the drive".

He replied, "But I haven't eaten for days".

I said, "Go-on....force yourself"!

 

[Bingo]

I've just bought a race horse, he's called 'My Face' and I'm going to race it at Ascot.

The horse is so old and slow it won't win anything,

I just want to hear all the posh birds shouting......

"COME ON MY FACE ! COME ON MY FACE!"