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Neil
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What do you call a man with a shovel on his head?
Doug
Doug
Neil
Well-known member
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What do you can a man without a shovel on his head?
Douglas
Douglas
Neil
Well-known member
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What do you call a man in a bush?
Russell
Russell
My wife came down and caught me on the computer late last night.
I could tell straight away she wasnt pleased....
"Errr, I'm just looking for some cheap flights!" I told her.
Well she soon changed her tune......
she told me she loved me, unzipped my trousers and gave me a good seeing-too right there and then....
I didn't even realise she liked darts.
I could tell straight away she wasnt pleased....
"Errr, I'm just looking for some cheap flights!" I told her.
Well she soon changed her tune......
she told me she loved me, unzipped my trousers and gave me a good seeing-too right there and then....
I didn't even realise she liked darts.
M.K Cleaners.co.uk
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- 4,241
Paddy and Murphy are on a building site. Paddy says "I want a day off sick, I'm gonna pretend I'm mad". He climbs up to the rafters and hangs upside down and shouts "I'm a lightbulb! I'm a lightbulb!" The foreman shouts "You're fcuking mad, go home!" So he leaves the site..... Murphy packs up to leave as well. The foreman says "Where the **** are you going?" Murphy says "I can't work in the fcuking dark can I ?"
A koala is sitting up a gum tree smoking a joint when a little lizard walks past.
The lizard looks up and says, "Hey koala! What are you doing?"
The koala says: "Smoking a joint, come up and have some."
So the little lizard climbs up and sits next to the koala and they have a few joints.
After a while the little lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going to get a drink from the river.
But the little lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river.
A crocodile sees this and swims over to the little lizard and helps him to the side, then asks
the little lizard, "What's the matter with you?"
The little lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in
the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.
The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the rain forest, finds the tree where
the koala is sitting finishing a joint, and he looks up and says........"Hey you!"
So the koala looks down at him and says.........
"Fuuuuuuk.....dude...............how much water did you drink?!!"
The lizard looks up and says, "Hey koala! What are you doing?"
The koala says: "Smoking a joint, come up and have some."
So the little lizard climbs up and sits next to the koala and they have a few joints.
After a while the little lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going to get a drink from the river.
But the little lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river.
A crocodile sees this and swims over to the little lizard and helps him to the side, then asks
the little lizard, "What's the matter with you?"
The little lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in
the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.
The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the rain forest, finds the tree where
the koala is sitting finishing a joint, and he looks up and says........"Hey you!"
So the koala looks down at him and says.........
"Fuuuuuuk.....dude...............how much water did you drink?!!"
Paddy gets called into the office.
His boss hands him the phone with a concerned expression saying it's the police......
"You should come home Paddy, it's bad news I'm afraid.
Burglars have broken into your house and taken all your beer and raped your wife"...
"Oi don't believe it", Paddy replies as he sits down.
"Oi can't believe somebody would **** her after only 4 cans of guinness"!
His boss hands him the phone with a concerned expression saying it's the police......
"You should come home Paddy, it's bad news I'm afraid.
Burglars have broken into your house and taken all your beer and raped your wife"...
"Oi don't believe it", Paddy replies as he sits down.
"Oi can't believe somebody would **** her after only 4 cans of guinness"!
A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. "But officer," the man began, "I can explain."
"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."
"But, officer, I just wanted to say,..."
"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"
A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."
"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."
"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."
"But, officer, I just wanted to say,..."
"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"
A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."
"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."
Over five thousands years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel, "Pick up your shovels, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the Promised Land."
Nearly 75 years ago, (when Welfare was introduced) Roosevelt said, "Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a Camel, this is the Promised Land."
Today, Congress has stolen your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the price of Camels, and mortgaged the PRomised Land!
I was so depressed last night thinking about health care plans, the ecomomy, the wars, lost jobs, savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc. I called a sucicide hotline. I had to press 1 for English. I was connected to a call center in Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal. They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck...
Folks, we're screwed...
Nearly 75 years ago, (when Welfare was introduced) Roosevelt said, "Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a Camel, this is the Promised Land."
Today, Congress has stolen your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the price of Camels, and mortgaged the PRomised Land!
I was so depressed last night thinking about health care plans, the ecomomy, the wars, lost jobs, savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc. I called a sucicide hotline. I had to press 1 for English. I was connected to a call center in Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal. They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck...
Folks, we're screwed...
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really ******.
She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday.
really ******.
She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday.
