Jokes

[Bingo]

A pregnant Irish woman has been in a deep coma for months.

When she wakes the first thing she asks the doctor is...

"Hey Doctor, where's my bump"?

The Doctor replies....

"While you were in a deep coma, you gave birth to a lovely girl and boy,

and your brother came to visit and named them both for you".

"OH MY GOD!" She says, "He's as thick as shite, what the **** did he call them"?

Doc replies "Denise".

"Oh" replies the woman, that's not so bad, I do like that name. What about my son"......

"Denephew".....replies the Doc.

 

[Bingo]

Paddy and his wife are lying in bed one the night and the neighbours dog's barking like **** in the garden.

Paddy says, "**** this!" and storms downstairs.

Five minutes later he comes back upstairs and his wife says, "what did you do?"

Paddy says, "I've put the fcuker in our garden - let's see how they like it!"

 

[mark m]

i dont know what all the fuss is about ,Barrack obama isn`t the first ****** to get another 4 years !!!

 

[jimbob]

2 facts about me fact 1 my penis is as long as 2 argos pens

fact 2 im now bared from agros

 

[mark m]

My doctor has told me to avoid saturated fat . I`m going to to miss shagging the wife in the shower .

 

[Matty H]

It can only be a matter of time before Boris Johnson's mother comes forward and says she was raped by Jimmy Savile in 1963

 

[Matty H]

Told the wife, "My new job is having sex live on stage."She said, "Are you having me on?"I replied, "I'll ask, but so far they've all been thin & pretty!"

 

[Matty H]

Santa Claus will not be visiting Stoke Mandeville Hospital this year. "The thought of another white haired man emptying his sack on the childrens ward is too much" said one nurse..

 

[Matty H]

Police have spoken to Freddie Starr's 34yr old wife in connection with the paedofile scandal. She has stated that in

all their 25 years together she has never had any suspicions about him.

 

[Matty H]

Although already famous , Jimmy Savile's career took off in the late 60s when he introduced Cream to the Small faces .

 

[Matty H]

ADULT SCRABBLE.................. Rearrange the letters to spell out an important part of the human body which is even more important when erect. P N E S I

People who wrote spine became doctors.... The rest are sadly the sort of people that are my friends!.

 

[Matty H]

My missus is ****** off with me again.

Last night while she was fast asleep, I gently removed her tampax and

replaced it with a party popper leaving the string hanging out.

I tell you! That woman's got no ******* sense of humour at all!

 

[Matty H]

The pope went 2 Northern Ireland. He asked Paddy what he thought of County Down. He replied its been rubbish since Carol Vorderman left.

 

[Matty H]

Just got back in from the pub quiz which we lost on the tie break. The question was " Quite big in the 70's and 80's but has been irrelevant for the past 20 years. Is also well known for wearing tracksuits and having sex with under age girls. What am I?

It turns out the answer was Jimmy Savile and not the City of Liverpool .

 

[Bingo]

Murphy calls to see his mate Paddy, who has a broken leg.

Paddy says, "Me feet are freezing mate, could you nip upstairs and get me slippers?"

"No bother," he says, and he runs upstairs and there are Paddy's two stunning 19 year old twin daughters sat on their beds.

"Hello dere girls, your Da' sent me up here to shag ya both."

"**** off you liar!"

"I'll prove it," Murphy says.

So he shouts down the stairs, "Both of them, Paddy?"

"Of course, what's the use of fookin' one without the other?"

 

[Gmeister]

Apparently, "hiring a babysitter to enhance our sex life" means something completely different to my wife.

I recently bought one of those memory foam matresses. It screams whenever the wife comes up to bed.

I decided to surprise my wife with a weeks holiday in Barbados. "See you in a week", I said.

How many Liverpool fans does it take to screw in a light bulb?Zero, they just sit around in the dark and talk about how good the old one used to be.

 

[Gmeister]

I met a fairy today who granted me one wish.

"I want to live forever," I said.

"Sorry," said the fairy, "I'm not allowed to grant wishes like that."

"Fine," I said, "I want to die when Liverpool win the premier league."

"You crafty *******!" said the fairy.

 

[Gmeister]

A policeman knocked on my door this morning."Can I come in?" he asked."Sure," I replied, taking him into the living room.He said, "I've got some bad news, your wife was hit by a bus last night and died at the scene.""Oh right," I sighed, "That's a shame."After a few minutes of silence he said, "You seem pretty relaxed."I said, "I am, these lazy boy chairs are the ********."

 

[Bingo]

A Women walks past a building site and one builder says to another.....

"I'd give her one"

She hears him and shouts at him.....

"Men like you disgust me, what makes you think I would ever have sex with you?"

The builder replies......

"SEX, what the **** are you on about.......I was marking you out of 10!"

 

[Bingo]

A few years ago......

I was kicked out of school after being caught fingering one of the girls from my class behind the bike sheds.

When I was leaving, the headmaster said.........

'It was a great pity, because I was an exellent maths teacher'.

 

[Bingo]

I once went out with a girl who had eczema

She had cracking t!ts !!