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Jokes
- Thread starter mark m
- Start date
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A ventriloquist on tour with his act.
Doing his show one night with his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes, when a blonde shouts....
"I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes!
What does colour of a persons hair have to do with their worth as a human being?
It's men like like you who keep women like me from being respected!"
The red faced ventriloquist begins to appologise, but the blonde shouts again....
"You stay out of this mate!
I'm talkin to that cheeky little fcuker on your knee!"
Doing his show one night with his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes, when a blonde shouts....
"I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes!
What does colour of a persons hair have to do with their worth as a human being?
It's men like like you who keep women like me from being respected!"
The red faced ventriloquist begins to appologise, but the blonde shouts again....
"You stay out of this mate!
I'm talkin to that cheeky little fcuker on your knee!"
A woman went to her doctor for advice.
She told him that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she was not sure that it was such a good idea.
"Do you enjoy it?" The doctor asked.
"Actually, yes, I do."
"Does it hurt you?" he asked.
"No. I rather like it."
"Well, then," the doctor continued, "there's no reason that you shouldn't practice anal sex, if that's what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant."
The woman was mystified.
"What? You can get pregnant from anal sex?"
"Of course," the doctor replied, "Where do you think politicians come from?"
She told him that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she was not sure that it was such a good idea.
"Do you enjoy it?" The doctor asked.
"Actually, yes, I do."
"Does it hurt you?" he asked.
"No. I rather like it."
"Well, then," the doctor continued, "there's no reason that you shouldn't practice anal sex, if that's what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant."
The woman was mystified.
"What? You can get pregnant from anal sex?"
"Of course," the doctor replied, "Where do you think politicians come from?"
Bloke in a Pub necking back whisky like its going out of fashion.
"You OK mate?" - said the barman
"I'm fine, just got a bit of a shock when I came home early from work"
"Oh really, what happend?" asks the very curious barman.
"I caught my wife getting shagged by my best friend, so I told her to pack her bags and **** off".
"What about your best friend" said the barman.
"I looked him straight in the eye and said....
BAD DOG....... NO BISCUITS".
"You OK mate?" - said the barman
"I'm fine, just got a bit of a shock when I came home early from work"
"Oh really, what happend?" asks the very curious barman.
"I caught my wife getting shagged by my best friend, so I told her to pack her bags and **** off".
"What about your best friend" said the barman.
"I looked him straight in the eye and said....
BAD DOG....... NO BISCUITS".
I was in Australia with the girlfriend recently, when she was stung on the minge by a hornet.
I phoned the Fosters lager helpline: ........
"Please help me"
"Hey, what's up man?"
"My girlfriend has been stung on her minge and its completely closed up"
"Bummer dude"
"Thanks mate, bye"
I phoned the Fosters lager helpline: ........
"Please help me"
"Hey, what's up man?"
"My girlfriend has been stung on her minge and its completely closed up"
"Bummer dude"
"Thanks mate, bye"
Gmeister
Well-known member
- Messages
- 2,314
When I heard they had found a cure for dyslexia it was like music to my ****
Gmeister
Well-known member
- Messages
- 2,314
I always stop to help women who have broken down on the road. I don't know sh*t about cars, but I do know how a good porn starts off.
stevelewis
Well-known member
- Messages
- 692
Theres a new drug just came out for lesbeins with depression.......
Its called trycoxagain!
Its called trycoxagain!
Matty H
Well-known member
- Messages
- 788
A transvestite who lives near Manchester has a Wigan address /emoticons/smile.png
Matty H
Well-known member
- Messages
- 788
When I heard they had found a cure for dyslexia it was like music to my ****!
Matty H
Well-known member
- Messages
- 788
My wife asked me for something silky for Xmas - I've no doubt the emulsion will be the wrong colour!
Gmeister
Well-known member
- Messages
- 2,314
A couple was Christmas shopping at the mall on Christmas Eve and the mall was packed.
As the wife walked through the mall she was surprised to look up and see her husband was nowhere around. She was quite upset because they had a lot to do.
Because she was so worried, she called him on her cell phone to ask him where he was
In a calm voice, the husband said, " you remember the jewelry store we went into about 5 years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we could not afford and I told you that I would get it for you one day?"
The wife choked up and started to cry and said, "Yes, I remember that jewellery store."
He said, I'm in the pub right next to it."
As the wife walked through the mall she was surprised to look up and see her husband was nowhere around. She was quite upset because they had a lot to do.
Because she was so worried, she called him on her cell phone to ask him where he was
In a calm voice, the husband said, " you remember the jewelry store we went into about 5 years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we could not afford and I told you that I would get it for you one day?"
The wife choked up and started to cry and said, "Yes, I remember that jewellery store."
He said, I'm in the pub right next to it."
You know what guys, I love this time of year.
I can slam shut my laptop when the Mrs walks in the room......
and I don't get any disgusted looks /emoticons/biggrin.png.
The Mrs asked me....
'Can you pop down the shop and get me some bleach and a couple of cloths'.....
I replied...
'Can't you wait for your presents' :lol:.
'So as I was leaving to go to the shop'
She says.....'
Thanks honeybunn', love you loads' :wub:.
I says...
'Yeah, love you tons' . :wub:
She says...
'What....no nickname for me' /emoticons/sad.png.
I says.....
'I'm not saying it twice' :lol: .
Guys............I'm sure she's going deaf :lol: :lol: .
I can slam shut my laptop when the Mrs walks in the room......
and I don't get any disgusted looks /emoticons/biggrin.png.
The Mrs asked me....
'Can you pop down the shop and get me some bleach and a couple of cloths'.....
I replied...
'Can't you wait for your presents' :lol:.
'So as I was leaving to go to the shop'
She says.....'
Thanks honeybunn', love you loads' :wub:.
I says...
'Yeah, love you tons' . :wub:
She says...
'What....no nickname for me' /emoticons/sad.png.
I says.....
'I'm not saying it twice' :lol: .
Guys............I'm sure she's going deaf :lol: :lol: .
Squeak and Bubbles
Well-known member
- Messages
- 1,016
- Location
- Leeds
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ''The driver just insulted me!'' The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.''
Squeak and Bubbles
Well-known member
- Messages
- 1,016
- Location
- Leeds
My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed, I never knew they worked.
Squeak and Bubbles
Well-known member
- Messages
- 1,016
- Location
- Leeds
..ok one more... I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
