Jokes

[Bingo]

I had some burgers from tesco for my tea last night....

I still have a bit between my teeth.

 

[Bingo]

HMV vouchers should now be accepted at Tesco.....

Just tell them HMV means Horse Meat Voucher.

 

[Gmeister]

Two snowmen in a field, and one says to the other:

"Hey, can you smell carrots?"

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There was a penguin whose car broke down, so he took his car to the mechanic and while he was waiting for his car to get fixed he got some ice cream. He came back and the mechanic said "It looks like you blew a seal." To which the penguin replied "No it's just a bit of ice cream."

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I would send you a pile of snow in the post, but would you get my drift?

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How do you know when there is a snowman in your bed ?

You wake up wet !

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What's an ig?

An eskimo's home without a loo!

 

[Gmeister]

"How did your Sarcasm Support Group meeting go tonight, love?", asked my wife.

"It was great", I replied, "I feel sooooo much better"

 

[Gmeister]

New Scotland manager Gordon Strachan says he is already preparing for the 2014 world cup.

He has bought himself a new TV

 

[mark m]

 

[Gmeister]

Hold your horses tesco!

 

[super mck]

had a tesco burger for tea last night.being up all night with the trots.

 

[super mck]

i was in tesco"s cafe earlier and the waitress asked me if i wanted anything on my burger. i replied "yes, a fiver each way,"

 

[stevelewis]

Everyone keeps bloody moaning about slipping over on all this snow and ice......

They need to stop whinging and get a grip!

 

[mark m]

Women are the only species to defy the laws of gravity. The heavier they are , the easier they are to pick up

 

[Bingo]

I've just bought the wife a solar powered vibrator.

She's always saying that 'the sun shines out of her ar$e'.......so it should save me a fortune in batteries.

 

[Belfastcleaning]

Police are sending word round schools about 2 guys offering snow clearing services. They are called Jimmy Shovel and Gary Gritter

 

[TobySampson]

There's two people in my road called William Hill.

What's the chances of that!

 

[adyspurs]

If there id horse in burgers then what the hell are meatballs!!!!!

 

[Bingo]

A burglar broke into a house one night.

He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said......'Jesus knows you're here.'

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard......'Jesus is watching you.'

Startled, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.

Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.

'Yes', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he's watching you.'

The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'

'Moses,' replied the bird.

'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'

'The kind of people who would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'

 

[Gmeister]

My girlfriend wanted me to come shopping, but I had a headache...

I must have caught it from her last night when we didn't have sex.

 

[Gmeister]

Some bloke just hit me over the head with a power tool.

I was minding my own business then 'Bosch'.

 

[Bingo]

Did you know that anal sex is still illegal in Iceland?

I'm not sure if it's the same in Farmfoods.....so be careful.

 

[Matty H]

Two little ponies on an industrial estate - one said to the other don't worry somebody will Findus!

 

[mark m]

I sat down to watch a porn film last night but it was just a fat bloke wanking .Then I realised I hadn`t` turned the ******* telly on.