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Jokes
- Thread starter mark m
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Sartios
What do you call a German gynecologist?
Hans upperkunt.
Hans upperkunt.
2 Irishmen are driving around town when suddenly a police car shows up behind them and gives them the stop sign. The men stop and the police officer taps on their window. The men opened the window the police officer says "we're looking for 2 rapists". The 2 men quickly close the window and begin arguing. After 3 minutes they open the window again and say "we'll do it".
My mates had a new baby boy - asked me if I’d like to wind him. I thought "That’s a bit much". Gave him a dead leg instead.
My wife's just like Heather Mills. She only wears half the shoes she buys
People are so unreliable – They say they’ll come round & fix my broken doorbell – But they never do.
Saw man in graveyard crouching behind a gravestone. ‘Morning’ I said. ‘No’ he said - just having a poo’
Was eating my tea when I thought - this milk must be really out of date
My wife's just like Heather Mills. She only wears half the shoes she buys
People are so unreliable – They say they’ll come round & fix my broken doorbell – But they never do.
Saw man in graveyard crouching behind a gravestone. ‘Morning’ I said. ‘No’ he said - just having a poo’
Was eating my tea when I thought - this milk must be really out of date
A friend told me that she once went out on a date with a guy, and when she got back to his place he had 3 shelves full of cuddly toys.
On the bottom shelf were the small cute ones,in the middle were slightly bigger ones, and on the top shelf were the big massive cuddly ones.
She thought he must be dead soft, and perhaps he was 'the one', so they had a night of sucking, f*cking (and she even let him in the 'rong 'un).
When they got up in the morning, she asked him "Well..how was I?"
He said "Yeah, not bad. Pick any prize from the middle shelf"
On the bottom shelf were the small cute ones,in the middle were slightly bigger ones, and on the top shelf were the big massive cuddly ones.
She thought he must be dead soft, and perhaps he was 'the one', so they had a night of sucking, f*cking (and she even let him in the 'rong 'un).
When they got up in the morning, she asked him "Well..how was I?"
He said "Yeah, not bad. Pick any prize from the middle shelf"
I'll try and keep it clean lol.
A window cleaner goes to a monastery looking for work. The Abbot hires him but tells him to clean all the windows except the top three.
So the window cleaner cleans all the windows except the top three for years and years until curiosity finally gets the better of him. He puts his ladder up against the first of the three windows and looks in. he sees 12 monks with their robes up and their c***s lying on a table with a mouse running around on top of the table.
The window cleaner goes down the ladder moves to the second window and looks in. There he sees a beautiful woman and a monk in bed at it like mad.
The window cleaner goes down the ladder and puts it up against the third window. He looks in and sees a monk tied up, stripped to the waist being flogged.
He climbs down the ladder, but when he gets to the bottom the Abbot is waiting for him. The window cleaner says, “Look, I know your going to fire me, but please, at least tell me what is going on up there.”
“Well,” says the Abbot, “in the first window you saw a competition to see which is the lucky monk. Wherever the mouse stops is the lucky monk. And in the second window you saw a monk with the prize.”
“But what about the third window?” the window cleaner asks.
“Well,” says the Abbot, “that monk was caught with a piece of cheese in his f******n.”
A window cleaner goes to a monastery looking for work. The Abbot hires him but tells him to clean all the windows except the top three.
So the window cleaner cleans all the windows except the top three for years and years until curiosity finally gets the better of him. He puts his ladder up against the first of the three windows and looks in. he sees 12 monks with their robes up and their c***s lying on a table with a mouse running around on top of the table.
The window cleaner goes down the ladder moves to the second window and looks in. There he sees a beautiful woman and a monk in bed at it like mad.
The window cleaner goes down the ladder and puts it up against the third window. He looks in and sees a monk tied up, stripped to the waist being flogged.
He climbs down the ladder, but when he gets to the bottom the Abbot is waiting for him. The window cleaner says, “Look, I know your going to fire me, but please, at least tell me what is going on up there.”
“Well,” says the Abbot, “in the first window you saw a competition to see which is the lucky monk. Wherever the mouse stops is the lucky monk. And in the second window you saw a monk with the prize.”
“But what about the third window?” the window cleaner asks.
“Well,” says the Abbot, “that monk was caught with a piece of cheese in his f******n.”
A very tired nurse walks into a bank,
Totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift.
Preparing to write a cheque
She pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse
And tries to write with it.
When she realizes her mistake,
She looks at the flabbergasted teller
And without missing a beat, she says:
'Well, that's great....that's just great....
Some a$$hole's got my pen!'
Totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift.
Preparing to write a cheque
She pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse
And tries to write with it.
When she realizes her mistake,
She looks at the flabbergasted teller
And without missing a beat, she says:
'Well, that's great....that's just great....
Some a$$hole's got my pen!'
Posh
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- Cambridgeshire
Bloke walks into a chippy with a fish under his arm.
"have you got any fish cakes" he asked.
Chippy bloke says "no sorry we've run out"
"That's a shame" says the bloke "it's his birthday.
"have you got any fish cakes" he asked.
Chippy bloke says "no sorry we've run out"
"That's a shame" says the bloke "it's his birthday.
Posh
Well-known member
- Messages
- 5,706
- Location
- Cambridgeshire
Snowman says to another snowman
"Can you smell carrots"
"Can you smell carrots"
Posh
Well-known member
- Messages
- 5,706
- Location
- Cambridgeshire
I don't blame Ashley Young for missing his penalty. It must have been confusing for him taking a spot kick without diving first.
Gmeister
Well-known member
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- 2,314
HahahaHAaa!
Lmao
Lmao
Gmeister
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David Cameron on Facebook: We're announcing drastic cuts to the welfare state. Margaret Thatcher likes this.
Gmeister
Well-known member
- Messages
- 2,314
My wife was talking to me for about 5 minutes, then she said, "You won't tell anyone will you?""Your secret is safe with me," I replied."You sure about that?""Yes, I said, "because I wasn't listening."
