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Jokes
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M.K Cleaners.co.uk
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Fun fact!
You have more chance of being killed on your way to buy a lottery ticket than winning it!
Another fun fact!
I send my wife for my lottery tickets now!
You have more chance of being killed on your way to buy a lottery ticket than winning it!
Another fun fact!
I send my wife for my lottery tickets now!
M.K Cleaners.co.uk
Well-known member
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- 4,241
Went into a womans house today, on top of her TV sat a box of Daz. When I asked her why it was sat there she said she had no ariel.
Gmeister
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i love those so called "Lame" jokes cause there funny every time!!!
M.K Cleaners.co.uk
Well-known member
- Messages
- 4,241
It took me a while to get it, I though someone was taking the **** when I read it
Heres a long one for ya.........
A businessman was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort with an extremely healthy sex drive, so he thought he'd better buy her a little something to keep her occupied while he was gone. He went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter.
He explained his situation. The old man said, "Well, We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except---" and he stopped.
"Except what?" the man asked.
"Nothing, nothing."
"C'mon, tell me! I need something!"
"Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is The Voodoo Penis."
"So what's up with this Voodoo Penis?" he asked.
The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out a very old wooden box, carved with strange symbols and erotic images. He opened it, and there lay an ordinary-looking dildo.
The businessman laughed, and said, "Big damn deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!"
The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet." He pointed to a door and said, "Voodoo Penis, the door."
The Voodoo Penis miraculously rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started pounding the keyhole. The whole door shook wildly with the vibrations, so much so that a crack began to form down the middle.
Before the door split, the old man said "Voodoo Penis, return to box!"
The Voodoo Penis stopped, levitated back to the box and lay there quiet once more.
"I'll take it!" said the businessman.
The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say "Voodoo Penis, my crotch."
After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny and remembered the Voodoo Penis. She undressed, opened the box and said "Voodoo Penis, my crotch!"
The Voodoo Penis shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was absolutely incredible, like nothing she'd ever experienced before. After three mind- shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided she'd had enough. She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgotten to tell her how to shut it off.
Worried, she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another incredibly intense orgasm made her swerve all over the road.
A police officer saw this and immediately pulled her over. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink.
Gasping and twitching, she explained, "I haven't had anything to drink, officer. You see, I've got this Voodoo Penis thing stuck in my crotch and it won’t stop screwing me!"
The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and in an arrogant voice replied, "Yeah, right... Voodoo Penis, my ***."
The rest is history...
A businessman was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort with an extremely healthy sex drive, so he thought he'd better buy her a little something to keep her occupied while he was gone. He went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter.
He explained his situation. The old man said, "Well, We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except---" and he stopped.
"Except what?" the man asked.
"Nothing, nothing."
"C'mon, tell me! I need something!"
"Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is The Voodoo Penis."
"So what's up with this Voodoo Penis?" he asked.
The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out a very old wooden box, carved with strange symbols and erotic images. He opened it, and there lay an ordinary-looking dildo.
The businessman laughed, and said, "Big damn deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!"
The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet." He pointed to a door and said, "Voodoo Penis, the door."
The Voodoo Penis miraculously rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started pounding the keyhole. The whole door shook wildly with the vibrations, so much so that a crack began to form down the middle.
Before the door split, the old man said "Voodoo Penis, return to box!"
The Voodoo Penis stopped, levitated back to the box and lay there quiet once more.
"I'll take it!" said the businessman.
The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say "Voodoo Penis, my crotch."
After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny and remembered the Voodoo Penis. She undressed, opened the box and said "Voodoo Penis, my crotch!"
The Voodoo Penis shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was absolutely incredible, like nothing she'd ever experienced before. After three mind- shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided she'd had enough. She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgotten to tell her how to shut it off.
Worried, she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another incredibly intense orgasm made her swerve all over the road.
A police officer saw this and immediately pulled her over. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink.
Gasping and twitching, she explained, "I haven't had anything to drink, officer. You see, I've got this Voodoo Penis thing stuck in my crotch and it won’t stop screwing me!"
The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and in an arrogant voice replied, "Yeah, right... Voodoo Penis, my ***."
The rest is history...
A golfer is cupping his hand to scoop water from a Highland burn on the St Andrews course.
A groundskeeper shouts: 'Dinnae drink tha waater! Et's foo ae coo's sh*te an p*sh!'
The golfer replies: 'My Good fellow, I'm from England. Could you repeat that for me, in English!?'
The keeper replies: 'I said, use two hands - you'll spill less that way!
A groundskeeper shouts: 'Dinnae drink tha waater! Et's foo ae coo's sh*te an p*sh!'
The golfer replies: 'My Good fellow, I'm from England. Could you repeat that for me, in English!?'
The keeper replies: 'I said, use two hands - you'll spill less that way!
Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.
Looking up to heaven he said.... "
Lord take pity on me, if you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!"
Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."
Looking up to heaven he said.... "
Lord take pity on me, if you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!"
Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."
After being married for thirty years, a wife asked her husband to describe her.
He looked at her for a while, then said......
"You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."
She asks, "What does that mean?"
He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot.
She smiled happily and said, "Oh, that's so lovely, What about I, J, K?"
He said........."I'm Just Kidding!"
The swelling in his eye is going down and the doctor is fairly optimistic about saving his testicles.
He looked at her for a while, then said......
"You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."
She asks, "What does that mean?"
He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot.
She smiled happily and said, "Oh, that's so lovely, What about I, J, K?"
He said........."I'm Just Kidding!"
The swelling in his eye is going down and the doctor is fairly optimistic about saving his testicles.
This huge fat girl stands up on a table in a bar and shouts "If you can guess my weight you can shag me"!
So for a laugh, I shouted back "Your about 93 stone, you big fat ugly slag".
She shouted back......."That's close enough for me you lucky fcuker"!
So for a laugh, I shouted back "Your about 93 stone, you big fat ugly slag".
She shouted back......."That's close enough for me you lucky fcuker"!
A bloke walks into a Pub and asks for a pint of anything but Stella. Barman asks him what's wrong with Stella?
Bloke said "Well I had 12 pints of Stella last night and when I got home I was fcuking skint".
Barman says "Well, If you have 12 pints of anything it would cost a lot"!
Bloke says, "Noooooo.......Skint is my dog".
Bloke said "Well I had 12 pints of Stella last night and when I got home I was fcuking skint".
Barman says "Well, If you have 12 pints of anything it would cost a lot"!
Bloke says, "Noooooo.......Skint is my dog".
A woman goes to the doctor and says, "I'm worried about some discharge - I think I'm getting too much."
The doctor says, "Pop up on the couch and remove your knickers."
He puts on his latex gloves and shoves 3 fingers into her minge and asks, "How does that feel?"
She replies, "Phucking lovely, but the discharge is in my ear."
The doctor says, "Pop up on the couch and remove your knickers."
He puts on his latex gloves and shoves 3 fingers into her minge and asks, "How does that feel?"
She replies, "Phucking lovely, but the discharge is in my ear."
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy area.
She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do......
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about $50?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage.
The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "And I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats".
Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.
"And by the way," the blonde added, "That's not a Porch.............it's a Ferrari."
She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do......
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about $50?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage.
The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "And I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats".
Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.
"And by the way," the blonde added, "That's not a Porch.............it's a Ferrari."
joe90i
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- 65
Some bloke with a ladder knocked on my door today.He said, "£12 for the windows, mate.""**** off," I replied, "They're not for sale."
