Jokes

[Gmeister]

I was in a nightclub in Thailand, dancing away on the dancefloor when a girl came over to me and put my hand down her skirt.

"How does that feel?" she whispered into my ear.

"Just like mine," I replied, running off.

 

[Dodger]

Lol nice one g.

 

[Dodger]

Just a thought, do *** ghosts put the willies up each other?

 

[Dodger]

That's g a y by the way

 

[dasslr1]

A teacher is in her year 3 class wen suddenly the bell goes and every one gets up to leave.she tells her students that" everyone needs to wright a sentence with the word contagious in it ."

anyway the next day the teacher says" have you all done your homework" and everyone shouts "yeah".so she says "put your hand up if you want to tell me your sentence ".sues hand shoots up, john hands shoot up and little billys hand shoots up

so the teacher says right sue what is your sentence to which sue replies" my little brother has a cold and my mummy tells me its contagious"very good the teacher says.

right john tell us yours ,to which john replies "my daddy say he had the flu once and thats contagious"very good the teacher says.

right littlebilly would you like to tell us yours .

so off went billy "wen i got home from school yesterday i went up stairs to my room and found my dad looking out of the window and staring at our next door neigbour he was paintin a fence 6foot high and it most of been 10 foot long and he only had a 2 inch brush" the teacher interupted billy "thats all good and well billy but weres the word contagious"

"im just coming to that miss"he says

"wen i got home from school yesterday i went up stairs to my room and found my dad looking out of the window and staring at our next door neigbour he was paintin a fence 6foot high and it most of been 10 foot long and he only had a 2 inch brush and my daddy turned to me and said its going to take that cuntages"

 

[Gmeister]

I remember asking my dad to buy me a One Direction CD for Christmas.

On the day, I unwrapped my present and it was a set of knuckle dusters.

I said, "Why did you get me these?"

"Sorry, they're mine," he replied, putting them on. "Stand up a minute son"

 

[Gmeister]

Why did my wife cross the road?

To get back to the first shoe shop we went in three ******* hours ago

 

[norm]

:Image13:

 

[Bingo]

The other night my Mrs said, ''I think we should try and liven up our sex life by using the 'other hole' tonight......what do you think''.

I said, "ok" ........."But what if you get pregnant".

 

[Gmeister]

Marks and Spencer have apologized for switching the labels on some salads, which caused vegans to accidentally eat chicken.

If you're one of the vegans who mistakenly ate one of those salads ...

that's why it tasted so ******* good!

 

[Gmeister]

Me: "What's that smell?"

Wife: "I can't smell anything"

Me: "Neither can I, get that ******* cooker on"

 

[Gmeister]

My wife was looking through her wardrobe and said, "What do you think I would look good in?"..

I said "The distance".

 

[dasslr1]

Me: "What's that smell?"

Wife: "I can't smell anything"

Me: "Neither can I, get that ******* cooker on"

hahahahaha

 

[Gmeister]

Hi, my name is Dan and I'm 14 years old!

My dad has gone out and left his PC open and I found some special sites he keeps going on.

Guess what I am getting for Christmas?

After today whatever I ******* want.

 

[Dodger]

Something clean for a refreshing change lol.

I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker but thinking about it whenever I came home from school all the signs were there.

 

[Dodger]

What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals?

Philippe Philoppe.

 

[Dodger]

who is the roundest knight at king arthurs table?

Sir Cumfrence

 

[Gmeister]

Isn't it strange how really sexy women drive cute little cars?

Which reminds me, the M.O.T.'s due on the wife's Transit.

 

[Gmeister]

In the last election I think the Conservatives should have rebranded themselves.

I mean some people call them the Conservatives and some call them the Tory's.

They should rebrand and call themselves the Conserva-Tory..making house of lords transparent!

 

[Bingo]

Some weirdo sent me a text this morning and all it said was....'agnb' ......

I thought to myself.....that's bang out of order :Image9: .

 

[dasslr1]

Something clean for a refreshing change lol.

I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker but thinking about it whenever I came home from school all the signs were there.

like it ,nice 1 .made me chuckle that did.